Hey

I had a challenging day tho I feel good now.

I had knit and natter, most of which I just knitted and listened to everyone talk.

I did rly well w my knitting and did lots and w rly steaming through it.  I then had a nice walk round ferry meadows, did some shopping on the way back and now I’m home.

It is so nice when I am at knit and natter.  I love it and feel so grateful that I get to go.  I’m hoping next week to have a good chat w my friends.

I feel that the business w work; and even if it doesn’t I k that my self esteem is high enough for me to just be able to solve it.

Self esteem increases the ability of the mind to deal w difficult stuff and complex tasks.  Mine is just getting higher and higher; and therefore Ima be able to deal w anything.

I w have a life no matter how I get there; and tbh I don’t rly doubt myself anyways.

If I’d have looked at my life as it is rn, through some kind of funky ass kaleidoscope of being able to look into the future… I w have been totally wiped the f out w just shock, rly and then… tbh I wouldn’t have been able to handle the fact that I now value myself and have faith in the future.

I love the groups that I go to, and just J has given me these bc I lost my abuser and w left w no one, and it is promised in the Bible.  And it rly is a gift from G.

I never had people who gave a rats ass about me, I feel.  I believe that my abuser had ASBD, and that they were born into this life to just abuse me, that they had no humanity; and that is w is so good about these groups and people I fw is that they are human beings who just are righteous, I’ll be honest.

I feel it’s more than just having empathy; I feel she w evil, and they are just not; and it’s always a shock when I go there and they are not evil, I’ll be honest.

That most people in the world are not evil and I experience that testimony every time I fw them, it never gets old.

I have to be able to say to myself that that person is a human swine and to not put any stock in their assertion that I have no value.  It just means that they do not value anyone who is not evil like them; and to not take it personally.

This is super liberating as it prevents them from having any power over me.

J says that wherever you have been persecuted, no place will be found.  I feel that speaks to those who try and get ASBD or narcissistic supply out of righteous people.  It’s the old adage of it says more about them than it says about you.

This shows that my self esteem is going up.

I w always try to think that if someone behaved in a dysfunctional way, that it w somehow my fault.  That is over.

I think it’s the veil of my abuse slipping off; and I feel that all dysfunctional people try and take advantage of those who have recovered from abuse.  I feel that they try to trigger them as a way of coping and I just hope that they are the ones who get triggered now; bc if they are trying to trigger me then they deserve it.

It’s hard to recover from abuse bc all dysfunctional people see said person as a target and literally have a field say upsetting them, I feel.

That is why it is good news to be able to see their attempts at ASBD/narcissistic supply, as their problem.

I just leave it to G to punish them.  I don’t actually have to do anything directly, just be aware that their behaviour is whack and pay it no mind.

My heart goes out to anyone who is trying to recover, as I feel all the dysfunctional people w come out of the woodwork to keep that person down, as no one is better narcissistic supply than someone who has both self esteem and a history of being abused.

G says that those who cause my little ones to stumble w feel like they have a millstone tied round their neck and have been dropped in the depths of the sea.  Good one J.

To G’s Judgement

Kirsty