Hey

I am up at five thirty in the morning.  It’s good to be up early.

I want to support people or anyone who struggles to feel value w~i themselves, and has people trying to keep them in that situation bc treating them bad.

It can just be something simple like people shooting their hand to their head over and over and over, like people do in this town to trigger someone as a form of narcissistic supply.

When a person who has been horrendously abuse all their life then garners a certain amount of self esteem, all the narcs come out of the woodwork for supply, I feel.

They used to get angry when I didn’t allow their body language to make me feel how they wanted me to feel inside.  I felt they w use this as the first step of manipulation to try and manipulate my internal state.

I feel they try to do this bc it then means that they feel they have the right to manipulate that person.

It’s hard with every evil person trying to make in roads onto the ground laid by the abuser, I feel.

It took me years before I c handle narcissists, and I still can’t.

I just wanna say that it gets better tho that it takes a super long time and to not give up.

The most important step is to get away from the abuser.  There w this post on Tumblr that said being alone can rly be the step up, and it is.

Tho like I say it involves years of having narcissists take narcissistic supply in public, I feel.

Eventually tho they are less able to do it.  One has to start seeing them as the problem, that is how they are able to do it, bc the victim isn’t aware that they are being abusive and just collapses into shame that they are being triggered by seemingly such small things.

Tho when someone shoots their hand to their head over and over and over and doesn’t stop, this is not a small thing.  It is annoying af at best.  Jerky af hand movements can and do set someone off.

Whatever they are doing you are right they are being mean.

Everyone is trying to take advantage of you.  You probably have very poor boundaries and are scared that you will be taken advantage of again and it’s super frightening.

It’s hard to say no to people.  I still struggle w saying no to people.

And everyone gaslights every time you say that you want to stay away from the abusive person, or describe the thing that they do that is upsetting you.

People just don’t have time for people who have been abused when they say how they feel, Idk why this is.  It’s like everyone is adding to the abuse w their invalidations.

It’s hard to stay strong and stay away from the person.  It’s hell.

I had someone tell me that I should go back to my abusive mother bc… she w describing how she lost her mom and would do anything to have her back, gaslighting me from just protecting myself from horrendous emotional abuse.

I ended up talking to my abuser and it did massive harm in my life.  I lost the support that I w getting and it actually f my life up.

No one knows what you are going through, tho I do.  I see you, Ik how evil people are towards someone who is trying to separate themselves from someone abusive

Idk why people are talking down to you and treating you like dirt, tho Ik they are.

Ik that the people you find, your safe people w also be abusive and you feel like there is no way to find real safe people in this world.

Eventually I left unsafe people.  I had a relapse and ended up homeless for four nights bc of the abuse from everyone.  I got fired from my job for complaining about inappropriate behaviour.  I feel that those people were just so sh’y.

Yes that’s right, I got fired for raising and issue where I felt that someone had spoken to me in an entitled way to sleep w me.  And all I got w actually threatened by my boss over and over that if I came into work I might not be physically safe.

I felt that my boss let herself get so angry that she could actually have been the one to attack me.

I left and had a relapse bc of losing all of my support network, bc homeless people were squatting in my building and I felt they w steal my home and like I say I now had no one to talk to about it.

I see you, I see your struggles and I do see value in you and how you are dealing w all this f up sh, while trying to recover, when it seems like all life wants to do is keep you f up.

Years of struggling w evil people’s behaviour and getting triggered several times a day perpetuating the state of anxiety, all evil people just sticking the knife in like that.  I see you and know how they are getting away w it.

I persevered and I got to a state, eventually, after being triggered every day, preventing me from healing quick or even within any reasonable timeframe, to being able to handle certain things, like for example kids screaming their heads off.

I just wanna say that eventually it subsides a little, tho I still can’t go on the bus bc this town is full of narcissistic people on the busses just having a field day getting narcissistic supply off anyone who has a huge amount of value tho has been abused and therefore susceptible, I feel.

Again, it gets better.

Ik how hard it is to do the right thing and get away from someone abusive.  Ik how every single person who came into my life after that person w another abusive person who just abused me.

It’s like a ladder slowly for years being w people who are slightly less abusive, yes only slightly, some worst even.  It’s so f hard to get away from these people, they are everywhere and w just gravitate towards you.

I eventually found my way to safe people many years later.  It’s worth it.  It’s worth having self esteem and feeling value w~i myself.  It is worth every day of evil people trying to f with you.

I’m just here to say that I understand and that you have value and it is evil people who are still succeeding in bringing your value down, are the only reason that you are struggling.

I validate all the evil people who just don’t deserve you tho that you just can’t seem to do any better.  I get it and my story is that eventually I got w safe people, rly safe people, not those who say they are safe and are not.

I’m praying for you and all I want in this evil world is for you to win against these animals.

You Can Do It

Kirsty