Hey

Idk what to say.  I’m sitting here listening to my entire albums on shuffle.

Been fw the business; got a nice vibe going w the music; just titivated it a bit and then left it the f alone.

I figured I probably got it right.  I seem to k what I’m doing.

I need a puff on my doob; I can’t possibly do this w~o nicotine.

Been having CBD; it seems to work.  I feel so chill about things.

I don’t want my life to change.  I thought I just wanna get the hell out; on second thoughts.. I feel that it w be just a slippery slope where I’m living in all like different places and never feel at home anywhere.

And it w this place that made me.  The forex trading, the business.  It somehow powers me the f up, and tbh I feel that I w just lose everything should I move out.

I just wanna bop around in my nike and north face, and just Idk, like live it the way I want.

Isn’t me having my dream enough.

I thought I needed to be someone like grandiose to have any kind of value in this life.

I just had this feeling.  I felt like people are rly people, and that not a one of them w let something happen to me.

I felt that something c happen to me in the middle of Town w everyone watching; na, not in a million years; and the amount of time someone w get should they do something like that.

And the people I fw; what if the only problem w this is that I judge them.

Say I never judged them, maybe they w want more to do w me.  I always put it on them.  What if it is my reality that is faulty.

I think part of it is that they are all married and don’t believe in fw anyone outside of their special zone; and I get it.

G I want them trainers; I already have them.

I accept life as it is.

When I had my relapse, I thought the entire town had shut down and all the agencies had closed bc it was so f.

I’m moving out of that reality into a world that people are just more human.  I think w I have to do is wait for me to change.

All that I have been seeking from this business, from this town; all along it w w w missing from w~i me.  That’s something that I c never have owned a while back.

Don’t get me wrong, there are swine out there who are best stayed the f away from; animals who just go for me; tho for the most part I just need to see the better of people.

It’s not something that can be reasoned out; like maybe they’re not so bad umm.  I have to actually be a different person to be able to feel it.  Feel, that’s the word.  It’s a part of me that is waiting to come online; and it w take such a long time.

Just waiting for me to come alive, it’s something that I’ve been doing for such a long time.

Also, I need my people.  Idk when they will show the f up.  They need to make a f huge entrance.

I see people when I am out and about, like she is so f dope, them two are so f lit, yk, sh like that; tho the time is approaching when I speak to someone and just tell them how dope I feel their energy is.

I’m wary of a parable in the Bible.  It says the house w be swept clean and put in order; and seven evil spirits more evil than the first w f take that sh over.

I’m aware that this is a warning about getting f off w who I’m w and going elsewhere.  Kinda sounds like I have iced water in my veins to say something like that; and that is why I w be overrun w evil.

That is why I say it takes time.  I have to be grateful for who I’m w and k; that; I don’t deserve any better; atm.

That’s a hard truth.  That I deserve to be alone; in my authenticity and ability to validate, and support.

I just get near to YouTube videos that offer that.  It is the best Ima do, just from afar, looking at a world, a reality that I so need and want; and just.. like looking in a shop window rly; look tho don’t touch.

It’s out there taunting me and teasing me w its acceptance; that’s why I say that I need to accept others.

Life is totally a mirror.

It’s like the f f up w my webpage.  I couldn’t blame them that I couldn’t put the video on it.  So.. therefore I couldn’t blame myself either for buying it.

In that; life is a mirror

Another example is judgement.  Anyone who deems anyone to be lacking value w be seen as exactly that, janky.

So I need to accept the n’as I’m fw, before others w see me as worthy as like a actual f human being, yk.

It’s so breathtakingly simple.  How you think of others, that’s how they w think of you.  Blows my mind into a million pieces.

I have to change w~i before the world around me seems the way I want it to.

#lonely

Kirsty