Hey

I went to see my psychiatrist today, and it all got crazy.

He told me that he doesn’t feel that I’ve got schizophrenia, or even a personality disorder.

I w super scared.  all day I w thinking like should I be assertive w him and say that I wanted to reduce my medication.  I chose to just be humble and hope that he w.  It w actually quite stressful and I just chose to follow J’s commandments and that’s how I got out of it.

Tho yea

He w telling me that he felt that I had gone ages w~o medication before and been alright.  Idk when that w.  I think it w w my Buspirone.  I just rolled up and told him that I’d stopped taking it bc it w making me more stressed.

This has totally blown me away.

I had gotten into my head that, bc of my continual relapses he w lock me up for good, I mean, just not let me off medication; and here he w just.. I’m shocked, I rly am; and over the moon at the same time.

I hated being on that medication so much, that is why I w always have these relapses, bc I had kinda to be blunt, refused the f out of it.

Anyways, moving on

The business

I feel that I have two keywords that should give me a viable offer; tho Ima not rely on this bc Idk.

I have to run my ads for a time to see how much they are charging me for the clicks, then I w k.

Omg I’m so excited I could squeal.

It used to be a case of me.. just wanting to have a ton of money bc my self esteem needed it and I identified as loaded, tho I no longer do.

Now I just feel uncertainty w this present situation, and w like it to fall back on should I need to, in the future; or even in the present, like it could already be profitable, Idek.

The Occupational Therapist w there.  We talked about the things that I had been doing since we last talked.

I said that I had been doing loads of clubs and had been spending time running the business.

They were so f supportive, like hell.  They were saying how I had done so well joining the clubs.

Before that he w telling me that if I didn’t go to therapy he w be having to change my medication.

I w so scared, I thought that the relapse had spooked him and that I w now never get off it, like I say.

Here he is just telling me I had done so well.  I said to him that all I need to do is live every day and carry on the way I’m going; he agreed.

It w such a nice experience tho he w be my psychiatrist only one more time before he is rotated out, onto other things.

It rly is a day to remember.  All my fears just gone; the fear of being stuck on medication for life; gone.  Just this huge shock of what has happened.

I told him that I thought that I had been given schizophrenia, by them giving me medication in the first place.  When I got out of prison I w totally okay and then they medicated me and whammo I now had schizophrenia.

I had then done other things, that I can’t mention here that prolonged my illness.

I’m free.  I’m free of that f drug.  It w just making me rip up all the time.  Like I could not tolerate even the mildest of rude behaviour and I just couldn’t interact w people.  Now I may be able to handle more situations where I have to be around people.

I won’t know for a long time as I am on still a lot of the medication till I see him in July; and then he should reduce it a bit more.

At some point I should start feeling like I can cope w more that I don’t feel ill like most days and unable to do anything, get anything done.

Sometimes I just downright feel Ima die and I wonder if it could be the medication doing that to me.  Giving that black box sh up is just on point, for me rn.

I have wanted to be off that for over ten years now.  My dream has come true and I put it all down to J’s commandments.  Ima be real w you here, I feel they have healed me.

I mean I had w you w call a lifelong illness and now, like I say, he says that it has gone.

He did say that w w causing my illness w not actually schizophrenia tho my inability to fw people.

We had talked about how I felt that the abuse all my life had left me like a child and that I didn’t k how to deal, w people.

Yes, that w cause enough stress, bc I w shit scared all the time of them taking advantage of me.  W else w I supposed to think.  I had never given them a chance bc of feeling that they were all like my abuser, evil.

What A Day

Kirsty Yeep