Hey

I have my appointment w the girl that helps me to tidy up, this afternoon.  I’m having a quick beer and then I w head back just in time.

This means that I’m not getting my shopping done till later.  I w have an hour here.

I checked on the business today.  I prevented myself from worrying about it.

I feel that the same part of the brain that judges people is the part that turns inward to the thinker and destroys their experience.

I stopped this happening after I had checked on the business.  I just told myself that I didn’t understand it; and didn’t try to understand it.

This w a game changer when it came to judging people.  Like issues like racism.  W I wanted to not be able to understand it, to kinda not be aware of it, like I w w I w young.

It made me lean into not trying to understand all kinds of things; and this kept me from judging people.  Judgement is like kinda trying to figure them out; and this is w I don’t want to do.

So when it came to the business there w this feeling that I needed to figure it out urgently.  I resisted that temptation as Ik that it w just the area of my brain that I have expanded judging people, trying to ruin my experience.

Then I got to thinking, is it people who don’t judge who do rly well in business.  It seems that it is that part of the brain that is the biggest threat, that nothing w destroy a business faster than the part of the brain that judges.

All Ima do is try my best to not judge, as I feel this w actually be the biggest tool in my arsenal for running a successful business.

In Other News

My coming down on my medication is going well.  I feel totally okay.  I got a little bit angry that this guy I felt had stared at me w is something that I have disliked since I noticed I felt people were doing it like a couple of years ago.

This w something that I w struggle w when I w on less medication before.

I realise that if I have any problems, and I do, that they are internal.  When I can stop judging people, I w feel much better in myself.

This gives me hope, and also makes me feel that judgement is such an ingrained thing.  Like it takes so long to shift.

I remember when I thought that I just stop judging people and I feel good, and it w quite the opposite.  It has taken five years for me to shed the judgement that I have and here I am still judging people.

It is something that has to be worked at for such a long time.  I rly am seeing results tho.  I just have to accept that my life is how it is atm and it w get better.

I take Curcumin as well w helps w depression.  This is a drug that takes years to work.  What it actually does is build up the size of the hippocampus till it is able to sustain a state of mind that is not depressed.

I have been taking it for years and I am starting to see results.

I am thinking that maybe I should be a lot more like hitting that vibe should I have a can of coke before I drink my beer.

Yesterday I had such a high and it w amazing.  I w like to do  this again.

I’m thinking that I c drink my can before I come into the Lakeside and then order my beer.

Honestly it felt so amazing that I just want to do it again.

I slowly feel myself lifting out of depression.  It is rly happening and I just have so much faith for being happy in the future.

Come to think of it, the main reason I am not able to feel my feelings is bc of the medication that I am taking.  It dulls literally the feelings.

I feel much more now I am on less, and Ik that I w feel even more.  It makes me so happy to k that I w be on even less.  It w my North Star for so long that when I came off it I w be able to feel all my feelings; and now it is happening.

I feel myself entering reality again after illness.

Ima have a can of coke in a minute to give me that high.  I have to be out of here soon and w be heading back.

All in all, G’s commandments have worked super well.  I deem them to be the reason I have healed from schizophrenia.

My psychiatrist, telling me that he doesn’t feel that I have schizophrenia, rly is the validation I need that following J’s commandments are the thing for me.

He said that I have done super well and that I am looking a lot better in myself.  He is right.  I said to him that alls I need to do is just live out every day just doing my best to make the right choices, he agreed.

All bc of J’s commandments.

Just twenty minutes left before I head back.  I don’t need to get some lunch on the way back as I only ate breakfast at like eight o clock.  It w only be a problem if I had eaten at like four in the morning.

I think I’ll have beans on toast for lunch.  I w eat after I have seen the girl from my housing association.

To J’s Commandments

Kirsty