Hey

I’m down Ferry Meadows; I’ve been so knit and natter; and I’m just kinda thinking sort of I’m the problem, tho not I’m the problem bc Ik that everyone has their issues and I can’t take responsibility for all of it, yk.

Tho, if I feel distant to people, I guess a part of that is me.

It’s no good to go blaming them that there is something w w them and to not even try.

The more change I feel w|i myself, the more I feel closer to people.

That’s something I can control, what is going on w|i me.  Hell, Idek what it is that I’m doing that is bringing me closer to people.

I follow J’s commandments and I just try to like…

Ik that I have my issues and that I struggle to feel close to people, and I just am trying to change that.

I feel I am the victim of abuse, and just am trying to sort myself out rly.  And it seems to be working.

I have support from some wonderful people; and their help has rly made a difference to me.

My psychiatrist is super, can’t praise him enough; and all the people I fw, are just so encouraging.

It wasn’t like I w the new person at knit and natter, and they were going to give me a hard time; they just accepted me right off the bat.

So when I look at people and think what is wrong w them, I should be looking at myself as much and asking myself how do I change me so that Ima feel closer to them.

It’s rly just a case of carrying on doing what I’m doing.  Somehow I seem to be making progress.

I’m scared to be lowering my medication tho.. I think the thing Ima lean into that w help.. is to just do the clubs I do and learn what I need to learn about empathy and how to deal.

My psychiatrist also says that he feels that the reason I had schizophrenia, w bc of my inability to connect w people socially.

I look back and wonder how I thought I c get through life just being a complete island.  I suppose I couldn’t ask more of myself bc Idek how.

I like the people I fw even more, and just value them a lot.  I am so lucky to have them, and I don’t feel that Ima do too many clubs bc  it takes a lot out of me being around people.

I must build up slowly, w is hard bc I feel this emptiness w|i that just feels uncomfortable.

I got back to my flat yesterday and just felt this lonely feeling and sat w it a minute.

I think loneliness can be an inability to connect as much as actual lack of time spent w people.

I can be on my own and not feel lonely as I feel close to the people I fw.  I hope.

I feel that a lifetime of abuse has left me calloused as hard as that is to own, and I am trying to soften myself to how I relate to others.

I feel I need to catch up w how I let others in in order to handle coming down on medication and feel a bit like I am running a race against time.

This is territory that I have never been on before and I am just winging it.  So far so good.

I’m through being so hard on myself as well.  The business I don’t care about.  It’s just a substitute for self esteem and Idc how long it takes me.  G k it’s super hard to figure out.

Money rly was my North Star and how lost I was.

The amount of things I w worrying about and they don’t even matter.  Why did I look down on people when I am so messed up that I just narrowly escaped schizophrenia.

I just live out my days trying to cope w sh; and that’s how it should be.  I guess that’s all anyone does.  Like no one is killing it, they are just making it through every day.

I see that people struggle as much as me.   It just is coming into focus as I draw near to them.  This is probably the most comforting thing of all.

It helps me to realise that if I am hard on myself then I am a fool.  I w not expect unreasonable things of others so why am I the exception.  I’m not.  I find life as hard as anyone and deserve respect.

I thought I’d lost my grandiosity tho it w still there.  I have I come down to earth, Idk if there is such a thing.

All I want is to be surviving every day and I do.  I can’t ask any more.

We’ll See How It Goes

Kirsty