Hey

I am craving beer.  I had one day w|o beer yesterday; and today, on the second day, I’m wigging the f out.

I need to have half a pint, and I’m having it rn, before I’ve gone out.  I start first w a Coke Zero.

I rly enjoy beer so f much, tho if it is this addictive then it is a good thing that I am leaving it just for Thursdays and Fridays.

I’ve decided to leave a space open in my week specially for beers.  Maybe I w get to k the people down at the pub, Idk.

I w normally just shoot out the door tho I have to take my pills in like half an hour.

I don’t want to drink at home as I’m scared this w kill my buzz tho I have no choice.

I noticed this w coffee, that when I gave it up, things were worse on the second day.

I woke up this morning feeling that I hate my life.  I don’t feel that the people I fw are letting me in, and I’m so different from them.  Idek how to explain it.  It just feels they have no time for me, it feels like they are cold.

I’m now opening my beer.  It’s an Estrella half pint.

Then I got to thinking that I love my life.  It centered around who I am, I just love who I am so much and I love the sh I watch on YouTube.  Tbh these are the only people who rly get me.  Sometimes I even leave a comment.

I love having the people I fw; bc they just give me someone to be around, and I’m super grateful for that.  They give me things to do like bowling and pétanque and they make my life good.

I feel like I’m around people bc I am, and it makes me so happy to have people in my life.  I feel like I live a full life and I am just living my life.

Again, I am so happy w who I am.  I don’t like to say it, it’s like ew, tho I love myself.

And then my mood turned to I love myself so much.

I w so lucky to take a break from beer as I now k how addictive it is.  This w surely leave my buzz in the dumper if I did it every day.

Ik that I am alright on having it every weekend so that Ik that I w be good if I just f Saturdays and Sundays.

I am still just.. I have wanted to have a normal life for so long.  I have longed for it for over ten years.  And now my psychiatrist says that I no longer have schizophrenia and is taking me off the medication.

You have no idea how long I have wanted my life back.  Literally forever.  And it’s all I ever wanted.  Like it’s the small things it surely is.

That is why I w upset this morning.  Like I have never had a life.  I have been triangulated by my abuser I feel and shut out of ever joining normal life.

It’s daunting to think that Idek how to go about finding people to fw, people I rly resonate w, like rl dope mother f’ers.

It w just a feeling that I have been shut out of life; and I felt like I couldn’t get back in like how the f do I even go about meeting people.

The answer is just live every day, brush my teeth, do my Brandtt Daroff exercises, and just keep going.

J says do not worry; about what you will wear or what you will eat and certainly I feel it’s also who I w fw.  He says that G k what you need before you ask him.

I’m just lucky that Ima window shop on YouTube like people like Cherie Lorraine and DollBlush; and k that that’s who I vibe w and that is enough for me rn.

Again, it allows me to love myself and that is why I love my life.

To Loving Myself

Kirsty