Hey

I suddenly had this feeling like someone had been rly nasty to me, and I felt like it was a feeling that I w reliving from when I was a baby.  I feel that my mom was rly nasty to me.

That’s what I think, that whenever I’m triggered I’m reliving my mom being nasty to me.

I feel I project this onto people, especially when they stare at me.  I think them creeps; and I mustn’t behave or have the thoughts of my mother.  I feel these are the types of thoughts that she w think about me, when I feel she w abusing me.

I feel there is no point explaining to her anything bc I feel she had ASBD and has always without fail gaslit me whenever I have called her out over something.  Ik that she w not get it.

Again, I must not think people worthless for staring at me as I am just passing on the abuse I got when I w a baby, I feel.

I try to not judge, I rly do, tho it hurts and I have to have somewhere to put the pain and it ends up going on the people I feel are offending me.

I feel the reason I am so triggered by people staring at me is bc my mom would sit in front of me for hours waiting for me to feel an emotion and then smother me when I cried.  I feel she w stare at me for hours straight and this has left me with hatred, let’s be honest, for people who stare.

It’s about the difference between someone w ASBD and someone who hasn’t.  When someone has emotions, they take offence at those who haven’t.  I had to feel that someone had been nasty to me and identify it as a memory of when I w a baby that just keeps coming up and causing me anxiety.

If I want feelings then I must feel them even if they are negative about my mother.

This w hard for me at first.  I refused to feel my feelings bc I always felt that they w end up w me feeling negative feelings about my mother.  Right from the start of me feeling my feelings I always knew this and it has made me bury them for years.

I have been diagnosed with emotional instability personality disorder and this is why; bc I am kinda unable to have negative feelings about my mother, to remember the abuse, as people w empathy w call it.  To remember the horrendous damage done to me being w someone w ASBD as a newborn.

I feel I w thoroughly broken to stop feeling my feelings right out the womb, perceiving that as a strong threat of death should I feel them.

I don’t go to therapy tho somehow I am able to work through my sh.  I feel it’s bc of not judging the people who I feel lack value in the moment.

I did judge today.  Ik I did bc my mood dropped like a plane w no engine.  I must not judge myself tho for doing this.

I w say that I feel the answer to overcoming my triggers is to fully feel all the negative feelings of being abused by my mother, however, I tried feeling my feelings and all it led to w me judging people and Ik that this is not the answer.

What I do k is that I must not allow myself to think nasty thoughts about those who stare at me, bc it turns in on myself and the same tongue that I use to diss them I use to diss myself, I caught myself doing it and it caused me anxiety.

It is making me ill and every time I feel someone has stared at me I practise abusing myself and the skill gets stronger.  It is me abusing myself that leads to the trigger.  Whether abusing them or me I am perpetuating anxiety.

I have thought about leaving this town to get away from the people who always trigger me.  I don’t get stared at anywhere else.  It’s my home and these are difficult feelings.

I think I am influenced a lot by the weather, and it is a good thing that the rules are that someone only be allowed to reduce medication in the summer and spring.

I just thank my lucky stars that I am not having a relapse; yet.

I am super lucky.  My life is infinitely better than it was.  I am looking towards the future now; a future w no more medication.  I am slowly working through my sh.  Things are getting better and I am getting better at things not bothering me.

I have learned that all old people don’t like loud noises, and I am starting to be able to handle it a bit better; and feeling like someone had just been super nasty to me and realising that it w a memory that I relive over and over every day is a big step.

It shows me that I am capable of feeling my feelings.  I also love it when people are Idk saying like stuff about people who have pi them off.  This is something that is new to me.

I also feel sad that I feel the situation I came from was infinitely too toxic for me to be around.

When I w a kid I w unable to hear w people said.  I w that traumatised by living w toxic people that I w dissociated to that degree, I feel.  I could only understand statements that only had like about five words.

When I was doing w them I felt one hundo dead inside and that’s no joke.  Ik that any contact w them w take a huge bite out of me.

I am also concerned about a scenario where there is this insanely strong desire to gaslight me out of the void of empathy to me being the one in the wrong and I feel it c do immense damage.

I’m frightened of my own mother; and brother.

W is funny bc I spoke to someone I feel had ASBD on the Samaritans, and they were able to validate every single word that I said.  I don’t know why the gaslighting is just like an iron curtain, I feel, no agreement must pass, Idk why.

To Recovery From Abuse

Kirsty