Hey

I’m down the pub

I have been trying as hard af to run away from being sociable; and when my psychiatrist said that I have emotional instability personality disorder, I just w offended.

Idk why this w be; I w sociable when I w younger.

There is this voice in my mind all the time trying to ruin my mood; and I’ve figured it out.  I’m still f up tho.

I do feel closer to people now tho.  When I hear my neighbours talking now they seem more like real people.

If I don’t feel close to people, I feel that given time I will.  I feel like I am travelling in like a dimension where I just close the gap.

I have given all I’ve got towards not connecting w people.  Luckily, somehow it has not worked.  So here I am, still here still trying to feel closer.

I could say that I’m trying to feel closer to me, closer to feeling more like my real self.

I think the medication blocks this somewhat, w is a good thing bc it means that when I come down to a lesser dosage, that w mean that I am able to feel more the way I want to feel.

I w ill for a few days.  My feeling unwell caused me to judge the town I live in.  I am better now.  Just trying to run away again.

For the business, I have noticed that one of the metrics has changed.  This might be a good thing.

I have turned up the campaign so that I am getting more people to my landing page.  I just have to wait now and see w happens.

I have another campaign ready to go tho I must wait until I get some money in from the other one.

I am rly excited to have pétanque tomorrow.

Feeling closer to people is w is healing my schizophrenia, as it is not schizophrenia, tho what I said above.  That is w my psychiatrist told me.

It’s good news then that I feel the way I do.  I am reducing my medication and need as much help as Ima get.

I am doing like three clubs a week; and all this is actually helping my illness.  I don’t know what the connection between emotional instability and being sociable is, and Idrc.

All this makes me feel younger.  It’s like listening to my neighbours like I said.  They sound more real.  I only remember this feeling from when I w younger.  I have been ill all my life rly from about nineteen onwards.

I’m lucky rly.  I am able to work on my business.  This takes like quite a large amount of mental health; to be starting something at my time of life.  I don’t reckon that most people w find it easy at my age; and that makes me feel super good.

Ik that everyone has problems.  I am learning that as I go; as I understand people more.  I suppose this is part of gaining emotional health.  It is realising that we are all the same.

Ik that wherever I am, I should have that feeling where I hear the real people when they speak.

I’m actually super glad that he had said I have this disorder.  I don’t resonate w being autistic.  That w the other option that he offered me.  I said that I feel I am this way bc of abuse.

I thought this bc I don’t like loud noises; tho I have recently found out that all old people don’t like loud noises.

I unpicked all my knitting, and I’m starting from scratch, again.

The guy offered me another, tho I feel I must watch it, bc I just.. I think I’m better just doing quite a little – beer

To Not Being Able To Run Away

Kirsty