My head’s f up a little bit rn. I kinda felt like someone had a go at me today at bowling; and then when I w in Sainsbury’s, the guy told me the wrong isle for looking for something and it kinda messed my head up a bit.
Ik that following J’s commandments leads to agitation. It says so in The Gospel Of Thomas. It is supposed tho to lead to erm being astounded.
Rly I’m just astounded that no one is rly doing anything offensive towards me. Tho the agitation.. I’m still in the agitation phase.
That’s what my head being a little f up rn is all about.
I started getting agitated the very moment that I started following J’s commandments. I w get triggered on the bus; w eventually led to full on anxiety attacks.
Things are calming down now and I’m kinda on the other side of it; tho like I say I feel it is specifically bc of following J’s commandments.
What’s also bc of following J’s commandments is feeling at one w people. Feeling so much more connected w them; and healing from my schizophrenia; w my psychiatrist says I no longer have.
I had planned to do my taxes today and Idk whether I w be able to bc I need to take time out when I feel like this and not do anything on the business.
My head is starting to clear, tho I don’t feel Ima do my taxes as I have had anxiety enough today.
I don’t wanna paint a picture that this is me all the time. I mean to be fair it used to be. This is the first time that I have been at bowling and been free of anxiety, until perhaps taking something the wrong way.
So it shows that anxiety is actually on its way out; and don’t forget that had I not needed to search for the product and it actually not be there, I w have been calm and it wouldn’t have been an issue.
So yes, anxiety is actually not a problem anymore.
Tho Ik that healing is something that it is best not to get my hopes up and I accept that there w be lots of these situations where things are just out of my control. Things haven’t shifted; only cleared a little.
My life is infinitely better than before. Like I say I lived in constant fear of anxiety. This is no longer the case.
For example I w get so f up that I couldn’t do my shopping and w go home w|o buying the things that I needed. That no longer happens.
Even today, my head w a little f up tho even w not finding the product on the shelf, I w still able to get the things that I needed, and for under by budget.
One thing I had to do w buy expensive soya milk bc I’m running out bc of not being able to get to the shop where it sells it cheap. That goes on my flat tyre budget.
One thing about anxiety is how good it feels on coming down. It’s so nice. I’m just so aware of how nice my life is.
The business doesn’t bother me. Like obs it’s gonna take hella time to get things profitable. They may actually be that way rn; tho w my life the way it is I’m okay w things and don’t need to stress. Idc about making things work. This means that Ima stay in flow and just do actually very little for the business and still make hella progress w it.
It’s funny how things seem so dire when in anxiety; and also how anxiety gets worse before it gets better.
I’m proud of the fact that I said to myself that Ima not do anything to give anyone else anxiety. I walked carefully so’s not to get in anyone’s way. This rly is key for me to be okay while anxious.
J’s commandments say not to make out like I’m suffering. They say that should I do that I w not get any reward in heaven for the discomfort that I’ve been through. They also say tho not to lie and this w look like me making out like things were super dope, well things are always super dope.. look like I w totally fine when I wasn’t.
To Having A Nice Bit Of Lunch
Kirsty
Miss K 