Hey

Unless I’ve felt empathy for someone else, I am unable to feel it for myself.

Someone w rly suffering in so much pain w anxiety.  My heart went out to her.

Bc of this I w able to treat myself the same way.

I had anxiety at the knit and natter.  It wasn’t a conscious thing.  I didn’t reason it out, to treat myself the same.  I kinda did tho let it go once I had thought it.

I had to stay completely present; exclude all thought and then I calmed down.  I have used this grounding technique before, a few years ago.  It worked like a charm.

I seem to have all these bad thoughts in my head, and they just devalue the f out of me.  My head w just being so mean to me.

Like I say, I shut it all out and returned to normal.

I had only slept for like an hour and a half.  I w practically falling asleep on the desk.

I want to tell you lovely things that people said to me tho I can’t it’s too personal for them.  Tho it w nice that they said w they said.

It w weird.  When I w out I had to shut out all thought until I got in my door.  Ik that I w be able to let thought in when I got home.  Home for me is a safe space.

I started thinking, happened to worry about a couple of things and just excluded them from my thoughts and carried on thinking.

From this I have to say that grounding techniques absolutely do work.  W is odd bc I have found that unconditionally accepting my feelings just makes me judge people.

This is me waking up to people not hating me when I am upset and they actually rly feel for me.  I feel myself becoming human.

It w the anxiety that kept me narcissistic.  I w unable to see people when they were upset and how much they were struggling bc I w struggling worse.

Now my anxiety has come down I am able to be aware when someone is just suffering.  Like I say, I w then able to just feel so much for them.  And consequently feel less shame when I am triggered.

The spell is being broken.  This feels amazing.  I have never been here before in my life, this is all new to me; I think; apart from when I w younger.  I w have felt bad for someone then.

I don’t know where my mind has been or why I ended up this way; c be bc of being close to someone I feel has ASBD, two people actually.

I’m scared that I w get hooked on nicotine and caffeine, and aspirin.

As I come down off the medication I w on, I am craving so bad it scares the sh out of me.

I think bc they cover up the dopamine receptors, they are giving the same signal as if dopamine w there; w means that they made me feel high and coming off them has left me jonesing like f’ery, even months after giving them up.

I honestly feel that the system did a number on me.  I never needed the drugs.  I w fine when I came out of prison and then they put me on them like some kind of perv or something.

There w a treatment order that meant by law I had to take this junk, that I didn’t need.  It feels disgusting w I’ve been through.

I have to put myself in the position of imagining someone else going through that and think w the f.  I can’t quite do it, I’m a little broken, and it rly feels it.

I suppose coming from w I feel w a psychopathic life, I just reject caring about myself and blaming other people for w happened.  I don’t want to go there.

To Seeing The Evil Of How I W Treated

Kirsty