Hey

So..  I nearly fell for judging people up.

My psychiatrist thinks, I feel, that my schizophrenia is caused by my inability to judge on people; I c be wrong.

I thought about my emotionally unstable personality disorder; and I thought that I w have a relapse, coming down off the pills; bc I wasn’t feeling my feelings, and it felt like that w part of my therapy.

I judged people for like an hour this morning; w I think is okay.

I w planning to do it twice a day, tho I found myself just wanting to tell people where to get off.   I w judging them; like they were up so some kind of disrespect towards me.

It w a close call.  I feel lucky that I never took the step of judging them when they did this.

Like I said, I w scared; scared that if I didn’t judge, I w have a relapse.  I rly dodged a bullet there.

Tho

The judging this morning; I felt that w okay.  I mean, yes it did lead to me nearly losing it on people today.  I w have felt inside that they were trying to hold me down emotionally; and been so angry and upset.

I had just gotten a call from a scammer; another contact w one.  I suppose it’s being close to someone or some people, trying to take all the money I have.  It’s upsetting yk.

They don’t have empathy.  I don’t feel they have the ability to get upset if someone did that to them; not the ability to feel emotional about it.

I suppose they see it as a job; one that is well paid and allows them to feel the self esteem that society deems appropriate for that role, Idk.  I honestly feel they feel that they are contributing to society.

That aside; I w in like a delicate mood, and then I got a notification saying my ads were being disallowed in certain regions.

I suppose Ima only blame my own feelings at the time, to why I felt that people were ‘getting at me’ as my mom used to say.

It’s a nuanced path, not feeling Ik how to deal w my feelings; feeling pressured to let it all in.

At one point, I felt that if I didn’t feel my feelings, then I w be judging my psychiatrist to be wrong.  That seems rly misguided to me, now.

I am allowed my values and to follow my star, wherever it leads.

I’m sitting here, drinking my coke; well actually it’s Pepsi Max.

I suppose that there is no quick fix.  Ik only too well the pitfall of expecting to heal overnight; and how much pain that creates every single day seeing incremental results instead.

Honestly it w take a long time to be better.  There is no moment that can release years of abuse, and lead to instant health; there is no choice that can do it either; not even following J’s commandments.

I must bus back to town now, and walk to mine.

To Knowing How To Deal W Feelings.

K