Hey

I’ve got two red hot keywords in my business; they are competitors of my merchant and are crazy low cost per click.

I never w have dreamed that this w work; that’s why I got so upset when I felt that things weren’t working.

I have to learn a lot to find out that this sh’ is viable.  It’s about how Google present cost per click in formation to me; and the feeling that they were ripping me off that came from actually my mindset that I couldn’t believe that this game w work.

Omg, it’s gold; that someone told me to stay in my lane and don’t get shiny object syndrome and fw other offers.

That means that I have been able to find this out.  It has, maybe, saved my business; like fr yo.

I can’t allow myself to get elated tho, bc it causes so much pain when things don’t go right; and also it w lead to that feeling that it’s not viable when maybe it is, I just am in the throws of just being so upset and devaluing myself that I just leave my mindset in the dumper and believe that it’s not possible again.

I mean, maybe it’s not.  Maybe these keywords are like looking good down on paper tho are not actually gonna work; Idek.

I’m feeling negative about it, that’s good.

So, I’m lovin croquet.  It is great.

I played today and..  it’s just so good to be around people, where I can learn normal human behaviour.  It means so much to me to learn how people tick; bc what that means is that I’m allowed self esteem for learning that and to stop devaluing myself and thinking that people hate me; bc of a worthlessness that w never there.

I feel it can happen sometimes when someone normal is around someone w ASBD; they just lose every ounce of worth that they feel w|i themselves bc of the never ending criticism from that person; or just the general attitude of having to be perfect all the time, comes across that way.

In Other News

I feel worthy; and it is these clubs that have given me that feeling.  My  psychiatrist w right, and I don’t think Ima have a relapse.  I’m still learning my value, even tho I don’t judge people by way of validating my feelings.

I have got there in the end anyways, feeling like I matter.

And in the spirit of me mattering, I am able to tell my psychiatrist that things aren’t going well and that he’ll have to put me back on it if things don’t work out.

I’m actually moved as to how people are inside, and who they are.  Like Ik that people can be nasty, I’m not stupid, tho the fact I have value just makes me feel like a human being who has the right to be here yk.

So..  I’m swapping my beer on Sunday for something that Ima not mention here and see how it goes.

Jesus’s commandments are the best!

I just don’t k how people can be the way they are w|o them.  Like how did they get like that, they were just born that way, I wasn’t.  I have never k this all my life and it is so sweet to be finding out now; and I tell you what, I’m not likely to let someone treat me like I don’t matter now.

The problem w feeling like I came from abuse w always that I couldn’t point to exactly what that abuse was, what shape it took.  Now Ik that I just deserve to be treated a certain way and if I don’t get that, Ik that it w affect my self esteem, yk.

I’m learning w constitutes abuse; w is very healthy for boundaries.  I am better off in so many ways.

Kirsty