Hey

I had an emotional morning.

I nearly stepped in front of a bike.  Wouldn’t normally be a problem, except there were two coming the other way.

I had allowed me to get angry at myself and that is why.. I nearly did that.

Then my alarm went off, to get to the doctors.  I went all the way down there, slightly triggered by w had happened, and I found that I had no appointment and needed to go all the way back.

I had neglected to get something to eat bc I had had to prioritise getting there.

While I w in the doctors, I felt that this woman w staring at me the whole time.  I felt super uncomfortable, and when I looked at her, she w looking right at me.  I then spoke to the receptionist and felt super uncomfortable, so I looked at her again, and she w looking right at me.

Long story short, I felt that the guy in the shop looked at my pin number, w w have been super rude.  I w even trying to shield it from the guy next to me, big clue that I didn’t want him looking, and like I said, bc I hadn’t shielded it from him also, I felt he looked.

At that point I w quite upset and w judging on everyone.

It felt like people w low self esteem tend to be rude to someone w high self esteem, when they are vulnerable, like I w.  I have the flu or a cold today and it is making me easily triggered, plus, like I say, I needed something to eat as it is over a mile to the doctors.

I thought my day w be utterly ruined, tho somehow I have managed to recover.

There came a point where I said to myself that I w have to stop judging.  I guess that’s how I calmed down.

There w this girl in the supermarket who w so utterly dope.  It feels good to be around someone like that and not feel uncomfortable like I need something from her.

I remember having extremely low self esteem and when I saw someone attractive, I felt that I needed to like be w someone like that so desperately, like it w fix all my problems or something.  I guess that’s why people w ASBD sometimes pick trophy wives.

I guess, being on the other end of it.. people feel they need something from me to fill the hole w|i.  Like I say, Ik from experience, and it feels like when I’m triggered they kinda try harder; and I’m scared that it callous, like they see I’m vulnerable and think that’s to their advantage.

I did have loads of people being nice to me as well tho, and it rly picked me up when I w feeling soo horrid.  Like imagine you were in that position, where you felt someone had just looked at your pin number.

All these things were running through my head like do I need to change my pin number as he could tell everyone or put it on facebook.

The way they said thank you, when I made room for them when they were talking past w just lifting me the hell up, and is probably how I w able to forget how I w feeling and when I had got angry about it for a little while, just let it go.

There w a moment when I did this.  I said to myself, I need to let it go now.

I hope I haven’t walked too far today, as I need to get into town again.  I told myself to walk slow and take it easy bc of all the walking I did yesterday.  Tho this was a luxury that I just had to forget about.

In Other News

I’m still waiting to k whether the ads I am posting w make any money.  It’s still advertiser verification and I can’t run ads rn to see how many I get and if it’s enough to turn a small income.

All at a time when my future feels so uncertain, and the fear of being forced to get a job.  It’s rly the last thing I need.

To Just Getting Over Horrid Things Happening

K