Hey

Idk

I’ve got my campaign up; w a new price for my keyword; seeing, whether it gives me any ads at that price.

I have to wait for, Bid Strategy Learning, w w take four days, before Ik whether there’s gonna be any money.

It’s kinda hard bc I have to do Bid Strategy Learning, every time I change the amount I am asking to be charged for my ads.

I should have some clicks when it runs, and then I w be able to just alter it a little, just tweaking it.

Idk tho, whether it w give me any ads, for the price I have chosen.  Hopefully it w and like I say, it w just need tweaking.

I don’t want to worry about my business, and whether it w make money.  I just want to move onto thinking about something else.

I’m having a beer down Ferry Meadows.  It’s my second treat this week.  The first one I have in the pub and the second one I have here.

I have cut down on nicotine.  It still gives me a nice rush tho, so I’m happy w it.

CBD, I totally love.  To me it feels the same as something else that Ima not mention here.  That is why I love it so much.

And the crazy thing is that the buzz lasts like 23 hours until I am only buzzing half as much; and I have like this huge bottle of it, like 200ml.

I have to throw some away when I change my coil tho this leaves me w a crazy amount, only needing to have three puffs once a day.

I am controlling my thoughts.  It is the way for me to keep a lid on my anxiety.  It works, and I’m so grateful for learning this.

I w watching YouTube, and I found that when I w like thinking at the same time as watching it, I felt unattractive.  I w rly lucky that I kinda heard that feeling w|i myself, bc that is w led to me finding this out.

It’s rly hard for me to just keep my head on when being social w people.  I feel like it’s a game changer and Ima see how it goes.

I remember this time on the bus, when I felt like Ima not think and that it w be a turning point for me.  I got triggered by w I felt w rude behaviour and it has taken months for me to get to the point when Ima try this again.

In my heart Ik this, and that’s why I lost it so bad when I felt that people were being rude on the bus.  It w utterly horrid.

Tho, at the same time, I must not judge people.

Ik that it seems like people are up to all kinds of sh’; tho, I just have also used this as a tool, to helping myself.

I w upset this morning.  I felt that everyone w a perv, bc they seemed to be slowing as they walked past me, as if they were hoping for some kind of.. well sex actually.

I felt threatened.

Tho I still didn’t judge that this w w they were up to.  I kept a lid on my judgement, and this is how I help myself.

It’s about brain mapping.  The more I judge, the more resources w be allocated to that function.  By avoiding believing, that that w w they were up to and leaving room for doubt, Ik that I have reduced my brain map for that feeling.

I am literally through meditation, reducing my actual brain’s ability to supply me w feelings that people are being obnoxious.

I suppose there w a part of me, for grandiosities sake, that wanted to feel that the whole town w inferior.  It w have explained why I have anxiety all the time and allow me to feel that it’s all bc people are mean, and that I am not.. I am defective and just have anxiety bc of brain damage; or damage to my brain map.

It just w nicer to think that the problem lay outside of me.  Who wants to think that there is something w w them; and they are in pain bc of themselves.  It’s too much, on top of the suffering.

Remember, anxiety is super mean, and it involves so much pain.

So, I have found ways to cope.

I used to k that when my friends were talking that I w be thinking about all kinds of sh’ and I w get triggered bc I wasn’t following w they w saying.

They were able to stay present and I w not, and that is why I w get upset, out of shame.  It w bc I w not able to maintain that presence.

Now w keeping my mind quiet, I am able to have that presence that everyone else enjoys when they are talking, and I don’t lose it.

This allows me to connect w people, bc I am actually listening, and revelling in them as people.  The joy of fw these people is exquisite; and like I say, when I am on my own, I am able to enjoy the same peace, watching YouTube or Netflix, or just taking a quiet moment.

Thank You For Reading

K