Hey

I kinda told people w my body language; that I didn’t like them pulling at me.  It felt like neediness, tho probably w just sexual attraction.

I did this for a couple of days, and then the worst thing happened.  I started doing it to them.

It w a good solution to the problem, until that happened.  It w stop me from getting triggered from what I felt w their neediness.  It seemed that when it w every single person who did it, I felt it w too much.

I had become someone I didn’t want to be.  I had become the same as them; so if I have to get triggered by their behaviour so’s I don’t become like them then so be it.  I w endure the pain out of authenticity.

I’ve been a little bored lately.  I can’t put my finger on why that is.

It c be bc I have reduced the amount of caffeine that I am having; w w mean that it is a good sign.  It means that my intake has actually been less.

Usually this only goes on for a couple of days before I feel better; so I should be good tomorrow.

Drugs just bug the hell out of me.  I’m spending every moment wondering where my next vape w come in.  I don’t like drugs when I am being a slave to them, it takes the fun out of it.

The business I w just ignore.  I’m not fw it.  I don’t want that stressed out feeling.

I thought for a hot minute that I w get some done bc of how bored I w.  I started thinking of things Ima do w my new landing page.  It stressed me the f out, and why w I don’t this when I w on a walk.  I didn’t want to do it on my walk and I just felt that the whole idea w just me stressing and I decided not to.

It’s not even hard to create landing pages; and Ik what I want to say and how I w lay out the landing page.  I even have my tagline w is also my call to action on my link button.

I’ve got to eat as much as I can, as I w out on a walk and I just didn’t have the energy to go any further.  I have some pancake that Ima fry and eat, and I also need to eat some extra breakfast cereal so I don’t fade away on my way to croquet.

I felt that people w take the pi’ more and more the more up my self esteem went.  This seemed to be the truth of w w happening.  I hated it.

When I feel that people are responding to me in a certain way bc I have high self esteem, it kinda touches a sore spot, from when I had to stop riding the busses bc of people getting nervous around me.  It w rip me open and it just wasn’t worth it; nothing is worth that.

I felt like a freak.  I couldn’t ride the busses.  W the hell w w w me.  I felt so ashamed, tho at the same time there w no way I w gonna put me in the way of a rip; or rips several times a day, every day of my life.

I had no quality of life whatsoever.  I w always in a daze from people being rude, I felt.

It seemed so hideous that I felt I w being treated this way for having self esteem.  It felt like they were resentful that I had value in myself and were ripping me up to try and put me off from increasing it further.  It w horrendous.

That’s the raw nerve that is hit, when I feel they are pulling at me for attention; and I’m always scared that it’s just gonna get worse and worse, like famous people who can’t even go out.

Increasing self esteem should come w a serious warning.  Things get better they do, tho, unfortunately they get worse as well.

I feel so gaslit like there is something w w me bc I struggle w peoples’ behaviour now.  I feel wrong for being the odd one out, and guilty for bettering myself.

So I decided not to judge; and not to feel disgusted when they pulled at me.  I’m back on my way to more self esteem now, w w mean even more challenges.

I w thinking about moving to London at this time bc people seemed to have more self esteem and payed no attention to me at all.  It w absolute heaven travelling around there just going unnoticed.  I felt like I c breathe, and I w no longer having anxiety attacks.

I had to stop going tho, bc I started feeling resentful to the people here as they did this here and not there.  It w torture, and I ended up having a relapse.

I felt that people had started to stare at me, and I feel it drove me out of my mind eventually.

To Having High Self Esteem

K