I’m down the pub; having a Guinness.
I didn’t make it to croquet yesterday. I had done too much walking. Luckily, it’s early tomorrow, so Ima be able to fit it in; kinda.
I have to go after my Doctor’s appointment. W means tripping into town and kinda just taking five minutes and then going back. I’ll have to get ready early.
I have kinda settled into not worrying about unfair demands off of people. I also realise that people aren’t judging me. I mean, from time to time, I may think so, tho hopefully realise in a few minutes.
That tends to happen. I w feel that someone meant something bad, and then a minute later there w be a clue that they meant something else. This is such a pleasant thing; to wait and hold on until I get that clue. Then I feel better and it is rly nice.
I have started feeling my feelings, tho I just go into it a little.
When I first started I went into it like crazy and ended up judging people. Now I just feel them a tiny bit, and it helps me pick up on social cues; and also make decisions socially. I just do whatever the hell I feel like doing. It’s so easy, I don’t even have to think about it.
It’s so nice making decisions based on how I feel; and I’ve stopped being so hard on myself. I guess when someone is traumatised, they need to be careful; I need to be careful.
I feel that w a rl struggle for me. I feel I had been programmed to be as hard on myself as possible, and get every stupid little thing right, especially when I w triggered.
It took me such a long time to learn that I need to be kind to myself and how empathy works.
I feel that that part of my mind was woefully underdeveloped. I needed literally to wait until that part of my mind grew, so that it c function properly, before I c stop worrying about getting these little things right.
It w such a nice thing to go through, the initial learning that I deserved to respect myself, and I w always be grateful to my x boss for showing me kindness. It w the first time in my life that I had experienced that. It w a special time.
It’s hard to talk about tho. In fact Ima totally stop thinking about it.
Later On
I’ve actually got tired of waiting for my ads to show whether Ima get any at a reduced cost per click; so I’ve, just run them full price.
I’ll have to wait a month, to see how many sales I get. It’s about ninety ads a month, so I should get about three sales.
I had to run the Zhè, bc.. it is widely known in the entrepreneur community, that the biggest killer of a business is not running things. It literally means not getting started.
I have the mindset that it w work. That’s not the same thing as getting my hopes up. I don’t think it w, work this time, I just have the mindset that it w work.
Ik that it won’t fix my issues I have inside, like the fact that I am bored all the time, or my level of self esteem and the fact that I feel I struggle to make friends; the fact that I don’t quite feel real bc of the medication that I take that is nasty black box sh’.
To Self Compassion
K
Miss K 