I have a psychiatrist’s appointment at 11:30. It’s a phone one.
This w be it, we w be discussing whether I w be going down to 2mg, Idk. I feel kinda nervous.
Should I go down, it should mean that I feel my feelings more. It would mean everything to me.
For me, feeling alright in myself is the holy grail of things I ask for out of life. It is the only thing worth wanting. W|o it, all that’s left is not wanting to be here; that’s how much feelings matter.
Feeling real in myself is the only thing that is worth anything in this hill of beans that life has to offer.
I’ll be heading down to Ferry Meadows afterwards; and get some shopping on the way back.
It kinda hit me that for the next three days I might not be able to do any clubs at all bc I have three appointments. Ima miss the guys.
Maybe this w teach me the value of the people I fw; that w|o them I am nothing. I wouldn’t have a business and life wouldn’t be worth bothering w at all.
I also got to thinking, not to resit an evil person. This mainly goes for violent people, tho there are so many people w ASBD about, there is no knowing at all who is gonna be violent.
I have come to feel that about one in ten people has ASBD, characterised by the fact that every word out my mouth has to be wrong as far as they are concerned. This isn’t always the case w this mindset, tho mostly I feel it is true.
I have learned something about judging as well; that judging bc of fear of being manipulated by someone or some demographic of people, actually leads to the jaws of their manipulation clamping down around me.
The fear of being dominated by certain people w actually become a reality should I judge on them; as being controlling. It’s rly a hella ironic thing.
I Forgot to have a coffee this morning, so I had one so that I wouldn’t be having it this afternoon. That means sleep should be easier this evening. I normally have had all my coffee’s by twelve.
I have to tell my psychiatrist tho that I had magical thinking one time in the last week; that I felt that I c hear someone’s thoughts in my head and communicate w them telepathically.
I hope that my honesty and openness w build trust between us and show him that Ik that I’m not that stable; tell him that I’m scared and that I don’t want to lose it and that my mental health is not the best.
This may actually be a good sign as far as he is concerned, that I accept that I am very ill. Understanding my illness is a sign that I am actually more in control and he may be safer to do what he plans.
I have also to tell him that I did something that w unhealthy; and that it had meant that I lost interest in doing the things I love, like YouTube and Netflix.
I spend most of my day analogue, tho I did enjoy rewatching The Order on Netflix yesterday.
Some things really speak to me, and others I just don’t like. It is rly great for me when something super dope comes along that I just love; like Bet.
It reminds me of the olden days when mostly stuff on TV felt mediocre, and that every once in a while a rly good film w come along that w be so amazing to watch.
It comparable to having a little ASMR every day and then every once in a while something super dope comes along to Netflix.
It’s a bit like the olden days also in that there were only two channels. Nowadays I feel that there is still only two channels, Netflix and YouTube. It seems that through the passage of time, nothing changes.
Things I remember that I loved were Happy Days, and Murder She Wrote, these were things that were on regularly. Then there w Night Rider, and The A Team. Oh, and Battlestar Galactica. I used to love the cool bikes that they came down to Earth on; and those spaceships, the fighters, weren’t they super dope.
To Memory Lane
K
Miss K 