Hey

It’s about three thirty in the morning.  I’m trying to not worry about struggling yesterday afternoon.

This guy w super nice.  He got me a prescription for my old dosage.  A lady at croquet w also super nice, offering me words of support.

I will take my medication before going to croquet today, so that I don’t find it impossible to function there.  The guys mean so much to me that I must be in good shape to play

I rly enjoyed my beer yesterday.  I had a Cruz.  The guys who moan like f, weren’t there as well.

I think I’ll pick my prescription up on Monday.  I’ll be nearer the place then, and can walk in.  I have to ring him up before to make sure that I am able to pick it up.

Idk why I’m struggling w taking less medication; I don’t even have schizoaffective disorder anymore.  I guess my brain is just used to having it.

There is like this war going on w|i me.  Like part of me wants to take more bc of the support I have been getting off of everyone.  Part of me wants to be sensible and give it a go w w I am taking rn.

I must not worry about it.  That w make me ill.  Probably taking melatonin w be a good idea as it w chill me out.

Being on something that calms me w allow me to take less.  That’s how it works.  It’s possible to lower the dosage w my ex condition by having something that calms the mind.

My next beer is tomorrow.  I w go down Ferry Meadows.  I hope the weather is nice.

It’s a challenge for me going down there sometimes when there are a lot of people about.  I think this is bc of the challenges I am having lately.  It is a challenge to deal with people’s behaviour atm.

I felt like everyone w downright crazy.  I guess that means we can point to someone who feels downright crazy, and it’s not them.

I am enjoying my bus ticket, and have about three weeks left on it.

It means so much to me, the support that I have been having.  I felt rly emotional yesterday, over it.

I have found how to stay invisible.  It’s an energy, and Ima turn it on and just blend in and nobody looks at me.  It’s a rl art.

That’s what I used to keep it together yesterday.  I did manage to get all the way home w|o getting upset w w quite a feat.  That’s what allows me to feel okay, feeling totally invisible.  I feel it gives me space to breathe.

Maybe empathy w give me w I need.  I suppose that logically, it follows that if people rly care about me and support me, then I have nothing to worry about from the people I walk past in Town or wherever.

I hope Ima make that jump and empathy allows me to see that they support me and are not against me, not trying to use me emotionally.

That’s the problem, that it feels that way.  That’s why I feel I struggle.  I just feel like they are monsters that w drive me into a relapse for selfish reasons of wanting to be close to me, that they don’t care about me at all.

Empathy should allow me to see that that is not w is going on.  It should illuminate how they rly feel, and bring it to the fore of my awareness.

I have noticed that people deal when posers are about; that it doesn’t bother them at all, they don’t even bat an eyelid.  Idk how they can cope w it.  I want to be like them.  I rly struggle to deal around it, around them.  That gives me hope, that if they can cope them so may I

It probably is just the stress of being different.  I feel I get like stared at, and I just feel that I want them to leave me alone.  I feel like every where I go they just won’t leave me alone.  Their body language feels so clingy, like they are using me emotionally.

To Being Left Alone

K