Hey

It’s like four in the morning or something.  I just got up.

I’ve got knit and natter today.  I’m scared Ima have a relapse, kinda.  It shouldn’t happen bc I haven’t got schizoaffective disorder, tho it might bc the medication is black box and it could do me, coming off of it.

I struggled yesterday w feeling like people were looking at me weird, when I w walking around.  I w angry anyway bc bowling wasn’t open early and it meant I had to just walk around for an hour.

That’s why I’m scared of having a relapse; bc when I feel that people are looking at me weird, that spelled relapse for me last time.  Bc it pi’ me off so much that the more angry I got the more they did it and so on and so on, until I feel they drove me out of my mind.

Idek if anyone is listening to this.  I sure as hell have not been validated for any of this from any person in this town.  I always get gaslit, and that’s another reason it happened, having no one to open up to about it.  I w totally alone in this.

So, like I say, I’m scared of having a relapse.  It brings back horrid memories.

I have told myself that they are not being evil tho; well yes they are being evil, bc they are being oafish and being weird around me, tho they are not being evil per se.  They are not deliberately trying to give me a relapse.

Some were.  There were people with ASBD who rly did a number on me.

There w this guy who wouldn’t let me on the bus, he just stood there staring at me, and then motioned to his head like I w crazy.  I wasn’t able to get on that bus.  I w so upset I walked away.

I can’t talk about this.  Like I say, it’s too raw.

I’ll take a walk to Town and then get on the bus and hopefully my friend who w not there last week w be there; tho I did have lots of people to talk to.

I rly enjoy knit and natter.  I love the vibes of the place.  I’m able to feel them now bc of lowering my medication.

I w then be coming home to have a visit from the girl who helps me tidy up.  Idk whether I w be able to get shopping on the way home, bc time w be tight.  I rly need some fruit.

I want to talk about persecution.  When every person walked past looking at me weird and I felt super uncomfortable; I imagined I w popping something good in my mouth.

I feel that all the way I’m being treated by people is persecution; and J says to jump for joy that it is happening for great is my reward in heaven and that’s how they treated the prophets.  Btw, they killed them.

So I have a treat, every time it happens.  I feel they are only doing it bc of the self worth that I feel.  I feel they are all people w very low self esteem.  So it’s rly nicer problems to have, yk.

The bible also says to not make out like I’m suffering super bad; tho w am I supposed to do.  The bible also says, do not lie, and wouldn’t I be lying if I didn’t be honest about the challenges I face in my life rn.

There is a very good saying, beauty is pain.  I feel this covers it.

The thing is, that, if I judge these people for w they are doing, I w have a relapse, in the way I described, so it feels like pretty treacherous ground to be walking on; tho like I say, I w pi’ off bc of the place being shut, and anyone in that situation w not be happy.

To Joy At Being Persecuted

K