Hey

It’s two am, and I have my coffee.  It’s a Columbian.

I’m trying not to think, the bad thoughts are coming after me.

That is the problem some of the time, that my thoughts are so toxic that they are doing me harm, and I have to stop thinking completely.

I have croquet today.  I’ll have to bring lots of food w me, bc I have been leaving bc of freaking out bc of being too hungry.

Knit and natter yesterday w good.  I had a good time.  I remembered my sandwich that I had left in the fridge as well.  I feel bc of ASBD abuse, I c never remember the things I had brought w me, all my life; so it’ nice that Ima do that now.

I find not thinking a good grounding technique.  It doesn’t stop the pain of the cortisol that going through my mind, tho it does stop me from damaging myself w the thoughts that I’m thinking, and I am able to return to normal.  I just have to sit and just be w the discomfort I’m feeling; and not feel any shame for it.

Idk if that is normal, feeling shame for being upset.  I feel I w smothered as a baby, w I feel, made me ashamed of my emotions.  I feel my abuser has ASBD and w offended by emotions and tried to stamp them out, nip them in the bud when I felt them as a newborn.  It hurts to think about it so Ima stop.

I feel that my dad saw her do this, bc she physically attacked him and kicked him out.  I feel that he had a problem w her doing this and she totally lost it, gaslit him that he had imagined it and he got schizophrenia.  I feel she told him that she w, raise me her way, and he k that she w carry on w the abuse to his child and that’s why he lost it.

I feel that she is total evil.

The hard thing is that I have no proof of this, he is long dead and none of this can be proven, other than the feeling I get sometimes when I wake up, wondering whether I am still alive.

None of this matters tho.  I must just live the best life I can from this day forward.  The past is in the past, it has already happened and can’t be changed, other than following J’s commandments to heal from it, and root me more firmly in the present.

I’m doing well at recovering from schizoaffective disorder, w is the damage that I feel she did to me.  This pretty thumbs my nose at her, bc I am now able to more point to abuse and call it out, w frees me from what I feel is her evil grasp; the inability to spot evil, as it w forcibly normalised in my programming, I feel.

I feel that she w go to hell, as it is stated in the new testament bc J himself, that anyone who causes one of my little ones to stumble w feel like they had a millstone hung round their neck and were drowned in the depths of the sea.

I am starting to wake up to what I feel is the fact that she deserves it.

I don’t excuse her bc of having ASBD.  I spoke to someone at the Samaritans, who I feel had ASBD, and he didn’t gaslight a single word of anything I said, and validated all my feelings, and even spoke of how he had felt it himself.

Like I say, I feel that she is just evil.

She said that I w a mistake.  Does that give her the right to try her level best to, I feel, destroy my self esteem and make me hate myself so much that I am fifty and have never had a life.  I felt that I didn’t deserve one.

Now I have the ability to understand that I do deserve a life, and I am trying my best, to make that dream come true for myself.

I must be a kid again, bc it is the only way that I w have the wherewithal to pull it off.  Most people my age just don’t have it in them to start right at the bottom.  As a kid, I w be accepted as eager to embark on this journey.

So I must be a kid, and I must follow J’s commandments, until I have totally entered that reality, giving me the tools I need.  I must have twice the Neurones of an adult, embodying the actual reality of youth.

This should trigger the anti ageing pathway, that is present, dormant, in all people, and my body, may reset, allowing me to heal from all that is caused by ageing.  Another facet of following J’s commandments, faith.  They say that anyone who follows them w not taste death.

Btw, it also says that anyone who follows them w have his kingdom and his righteousness, w means having my life one hundo off to the races.  I feel I w get the life I never had, one hundo fold, while she lays at the bottom of the sea.

Do I forgive her.  W G forgive her.

To My Exaltation

K