Hey

I had anxiety yesterday.  It w one hell of a ride and quite fun.

I felt like my life w over, that I w gonna end up having a relapse.  I felt that everyone w trying to get attention off of me and I w avoiding people who I felt were doing it, tho the problem w that everyone everywhere I felt w doing it.

I felt that they were going to drive me mad and I w die.

Tho I w sat at the bus stop, and I had come down, and w feeling like it w like an amusement park ride and w pretty entertaining.  I honestly felt like I w never gonna come down and be stuck like it.

I felt that it w persecution, and I tried to jump for joy.  I felt that I w get a great reward in heaven for it.

In Other News

Croquet went rly well.  I had, like I said, come down by then, and had a good time.  I even won the last game.

I had even forgotten to take my medication, and didn’t even notice.

I have beerzies today, w w be nice.  I must also do my income and expenses for the business.

I had a sandwich, and then ate some breakfast cereal, and I w good for the whole session.  I w rly shocked at how good it worked.  I had been having to leave and go home bc of feeling freaked out

I still don’t k about the business.  I just want a break.  I need to keep away from any stress.

I have learned to not speak to anyone who I feel is being creepy, and ask them not to be.  I feel that is why I had a relapse last time, that and the fact that I w asking for validation of w w going on, on my way to Town, and felt I w getting gaslit like f.  I need to just take it in silence, and like I say, understand that my reward in heaven w be great.

I have been rly good this month w budgeting.  I hope to continue w this.  There are a couple of small things Ima buy.

I didn’t get much tidying up done, bc I felt like I w having a relapse all week, tho I managed to get done all that I had been asked.

I hope that this mental moosh clears up, and I am able to function much better; like I say, I just never got anything done.

I don’t want to be wasting my time.  If I have a relapse, I am wasting my time.  I am trying to get better, not go backwards.  I am trying to get my life back and I don’t need it.  I’ll have to see w happens.

Ik that last time I reduced my medication, I had all these feelings, like people were being overtly needy, and it spelled relapse, big time.

I hope that there are no huge stressors, like losing my job and having homeless people squatting in the building at the same time.

I tell you what, if anything like that happens I w take more medication right out the get.  F all that sh.

Ik that surviving means not saying anything to anyone over the feelings that I’m having.  Like I say, that is how I lost it last time, and the stakes are super high and there is no room for me to slip up.  It’s all to play for, me getting my life back.

This is a risk.  One I’m willing to take.  I can’t be on that black box sh’ forever.  I am healing, bc of following J’s commandments.  I must play my cards right, and keep doing it.

I feel like I’m out of the woods tho; just have to see how the next few days go.  It’s kinda janky, not knowing whether this is gonna work.  I long for that feeling that I am gonna be okay, tho realistically w always have to be on my guard.

I must be a good girl bc any stress w affect me.  I must follow J’s commandments rly closely.

I did have this feeling of loving where I w living and it being a good area, w w dope.

Oh, and also, a while back a girl said to me, well on, and today a girl told me that I w, off, and something else that I can’t repeat bc it’s triggering for some people.  It’s nice to k that I’m rly being loved by young people.

J’s commandments are insanely good and I w recommend them to anyone, knowing w Ik now.  It’s not an easy path, G no, tho the rewards are just bueno.

K