I’m down the pub, having a nice beer. I have a book on feeling scared, w I read this morning.
I think that that w a problem that I had, w that, I w ashamed of feeling scared; like walking around not knowing if anything is gonna happen, yk, stuff like that.
I feel the environment I came from w completely emotionless. I don’t ever remember feeling like worried for something happening, or more accurately, scared.
This c also be a product of being older and having my brain map changed bc of judgement that becomes the norm. I suppose scared feeling come from that. Idk
That’s the problem w judgement. There is no way to like k which it is. It’s like there is no point judging at all.
I suppose it’s creating a reality that only exists in your head or in the collective. Like generally people.. there is like a dogma of w reality is, and maybe it’s just bull sh’
Like, say I were to judge any demographic of people, there w be like plenty of people to agree w me on it; and I suppose I w gravitate to the friends who have the same opinion. That way I feel more secure in my reality.
A reality created through thought, tho, is contrived at best. Reality rly is feelings. Like it is just the feeling of being in reality.
Like, Idk whether I’m in reality. I w walking through my area, and I felt, like this is a good area. That w reality.
I mustn’t judge those who I struggle to deal w; like they act that way bc of some kind of internal evil. I think that’s what I did when I had my relapse.
Yea, that’s pretty much it. I’m thinking I don’t want to have a relapse here and I’m being extra careful to not judge people. It’s kinda put the wind up me, yk; and the fact that it’s got me scared to judge is a good thing.
I realised about a week ago, that, not judging w be crucial for staying healthy, and Ik that I couldn’t take it for granted that I w be okay, at all.
Tho, I also think tho that judgement is wrong. Like, I can’t label people as evil. Ik some people are evil, Ik that, tho those are different people; maybe. The point is that Idk.
Not judging is kinda addictive. On feeling w it feels like to hold space for someone I previously w have judged and feel so much joy at the peace of no longer judging that demographic. It feels amazing.
I mean, judging causes anxiety; and it’s freedom from a bad reality, and not only that, tho having like the dopest reality replace it. It rly is the dopest.
I w scared that my reality had got too dope; and that people were tying to steal it off me bc it w of such high value. I w like, get your hands off my reality.
I am scared of losing my reality, through relapse. I feel this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that it c be taken.
My psychiatrist Nick, told me of this like about seven years ago. That’s the problem w being on a tightrope like well high up. It’s fear of losing it.
To be honest I’m rly not that bothered, it’s just this scene fw my head. Like, it’s just reality like I had when I w a kid. I didn’t think twice about the reality I w in then; totally took it for granted. Certainly wasn’t bothered about losing it, maybe I should have been.
To Reality
K
Miss K 