It’s dwinkies today. I’m going down Ferry Meadows. I don’t have any clubs today.
I watched The Order, again yesterday.
I felt nuts. I feel it may be bc I am being gaslit in my life, tho, when I watched it I felt sane and that there w nothing w w me. I always feel nuts.
I had this before. I w watch Wednesday and feel sane. It’s the only time that I w feel sane. I w feel out of my f mind at all other times. I rly on ASMR and Netflix to keep my head screwed on
I w thinking that following J’s commandments w like Idk, I just felt like w it not doing me any good or something; and then I watched The Order, and then realised, that’s why I follow them. And then felt validated that I am making myself so that Ima be the person I wanna be. That it is super dope.
I have croquet again on Sunday. It’s a hard game and takes a lot out of me. Ima barely handle the stress.
I woke up judging people, and had to realise I w doing it and stop. I realise that that is where this reality flows from.
I w on the bus, and suddenly I felt not alright, and Idk what caused it. W is bc the people on the bus were toxic, or w it bc they were all young and I just couldn’t handle their reality. It didn’t feel that way, I just felt so uncomfortable that I felt anxious. It took about half an hour to feel alright again.
I stopped myself from judging them, that they had caused it bc of being toxic or hating me or whatever.
Ik that not judging is the right way. I used to think that I w become stupid or something.. I felt that judging w using the smart part of my mind and honing it so that I c discern. That is total bull sh’. Now in the reality that came from not judging, Ik that. It feels so right there is no doubting it.
I used to struggle to be in the reality of the stuff on Netflix, now I just am so firmly rooted in it, that it’s.. Idk.
I’ve had no trips, where I have felt that people were just being so selfish that I got offended; apart from this guy on a bike who tried to make me walk to the other side of the path, instead of go around me.
That’s w triggered my, like, feeling that everyone w trying to take the pi’; that trip that I went on where I w slowly getting sucked into feeling like they were so toxic that they were just trying to get narcissistic supply out of me and enjoying it more and more the more upset I got.
Like I said, I just stopped like thinking that way and feeling that way. I had to stop feeling overwhelmed by it; and it went away. That w the first time that I had conquered it that way, and I made a mental note of how I did it. It should prove useful in keeping my anxiety down and keeping me safe from relapse.
On the bus w the first time that when feeling triggered on the bus, I never blamed their toxicity for it.
I feel there is toxic people on the bus, posers. I super duper struggle w someone posing in the seat in front of me and w move, to save myself from feeling like I have been emotionally damaged.
I watched someone dealing w the poser; and he wasn’t even bothered by them, and Idk how he did it.
When I am at croquet, I just stay present the whole time. The way I win games, I feel, is just by not saying anything negative. I put major weight on the psychological effect of doing that.
Tho sometimes I find myself saying stuff, so I need to work on that so Ima win more games.
It w hard bc the lawn w all f up and the ball w running too far on parts. It w crazy.
These commandments are definitely working. Like I say, the only thing is feeling gaslit in it, in this. Like I feel the whole town doesn’t follow them, and I feel it affects me doubting sometimes, w I hate. It feels horrid when I have those feelings. That’s why it w so nice when I watched Netflix and it all came back. I needed that feeling so bad, so I don’t go out of my f mind. That’s why media is so important to me.
To Media
K
Miss K 