Hey

It’s like four am; and I’m having my coffee.

It’s Sunday, so I won’t be doing any work today.  I might go shopping tho.  There’s nothing that I need rly.

I feel well clear of having a relapse, tbh.  Ima tell my psychiatrist, to set my medication at 2mg

I’m thinking about this post that w on Tumblr a few years ago.  This woman w verbally abusing this girl; and then she put her hands on her.  She w being super duper threatening.  It w in America.  The girl ended up.. well let’s just say she took care of it.  The woman tried to get her in trouble bc she w pregnant, when the police came.

I used to feel super safe, when I w younger.  It never even entered my head that someone w try something.  I feel I w in an abusive situation, that w heavy on the psychopathy.

Part of me says, I need to k how to deal with a dangerous situation.  The other says to never think about it.  I’m going w the latter.

What I do k, is that Ima not trust myself.  Idk, the people who I feel triggered around, whether they are actually doing something.  I just block it out, hoping that one day I w just feel comfortable around them.

Ik there is such a thing as abuse.  When I w a kid, I w fully dissociated.  I w dumb.  I couldn’t understand w people were saying, that’s how bad it w.

So Ik that potentially, just sitting next to someone who is super toxic could upset me.  The thing tho, is that, is it.

Not knowing is a challenge.  I think people generally like to put things into boxes and have their opinions.  I’m betting on one day, being able to handle it, like I did when I w younger.

I kinda wonder w the hell is f w w me.  It screws me up so bad, sitting behind a poser.

I thought about being on a plane for like twelve hours; behind a poser who is striking poses like every single second, for the whole time.  I feel it w cause massive emotional damage.  I’m scared to get on a plane.

I had a rl trip, that made me wonder, who is right; the n’as or the snow people.  Maybe they are both the problem.  That’s w Ima go w for now.

It tho made me comfortable w how I feel, bc now I feel that everyone struggles w this, and that there is nothing w w me, and that how I feel is totally fine.

On the other hand, I’ve got to be how I w w I w younger.  It wasn’t even on my radar.  I rly have faith that Ima step into that reality.  I have to, or I w never rly feel comfortable.

I feel like Ima snuff it sometimes.  This c be bc of feeling that certain people have less worth.  At these times, I feel that my mind is projecting this onto me; like I don’t deserve to live.

In order to have a full sense of self esteem, I must not deem anyone to have less value.

When I w younger, I never judged anyone.  Even my abuser, who, w dishing out tremendous emotional abuse, I feel, I had no ill feelings towards.

Ik that is bc of having what’s called a schit.  Which means that in order to survive, I had to not allow myself to be aware of my parent’s shortcomings.  That is w causes the people to be f up in the head.  It’s the not knowing when someone is acting f up, bc of being brought up w it.

I guess it always puts that person in fear, bc they have no boundaries or defence against such people, w causes anxiety, leading to other mental illnesses.

Not judging, on the surface, w seem to make this worse as it means never pointing out f up behaviour in people.  Tho the truth is that it has sharpened me to the point, where Ima spot someone w ASBD, I feel, by just looking at their face.

To Being Confused

K