Hey

It’s four thirty in the morning.

I realized why not worrying has been such a thing w me.

I w traumatized by something that happened when I w very young.  From that moment on I constantly thought, as a way to deal, bc I felt I wasn’t being loved.  It w w me all my life until now.

That’s w I feel causes schizophrenia; when thought gets out of control, I feel it turns to voices in the mind.

Maybe that is why keeping thought out has been so instrumental, bc it actually caused my illness.  It has been so good for me.

I have to walk to croquet today.  I w take it slow, so that I don’t hurt my leg.

I need to bring a bacon sandwich w me, so that I don’t get anxious.

This is another thing, that is, keeping me healthy.  When I am around people, it lowers my anxiety, and quietens that feeling that it is just a big conspiracy to force me into relapse.

That somehow people are evil and are using me emotionally; feeding off of me.  Fueling them for a short while, until they need more.

Maybe I see them as emotionally parasitic, bc I felt used in that way by my abuser.

Empathy is totally new to me.  I feel that people w ASBD are all about getting every little thing right, and being right about everything.  I don’t have to do that anymore, and it feels great to have that freedom; to just not care too much whether I’m getting things right, being relaxed being the goal instead; respecting myself being the goal instead.

I feel respected, by me, and it feels good.  I feel like an adult now, taking responsibility for that.  I feel so competent, when I allow myself not to worry.  It is the best way to function better.

I suppose that maturity is something that w take some getting used to.

I tend to think on my feet better and just do things based on how I feel.  Presence does k best, what a realization.

That Ima not treat myself like sh’ and also be better at what I do; erasing the lie; I reject psychopathy, at last, after fifty years of being on this earth.

I’m scared of abusive people.  Them, w their, gotta get everything right devaluing, under the pretense that it is ends justify the means.

I’m back from croquet.  I scored the winner w a jump shot at the golden hoop.

My presence is rly paying off.  I’ve literally been told that I’m playing better bc of my ability to concentrate.

This means so much to me.  It helps me commit to this way of life.

I’m having a beer tomorrow, so w talk to my psychiatrist on the way.

At least Ik, that, w I am doing, is rly helping my mental health.  It rly makes me not that bothered about taking less medication.

When I go into that appointment tomorrow, I w be so chill and confident that staying on w I am on w be the right thing.  She w be able to tell if I am scared, and I w be.

It’s very tempting, bc of who I am now, bc of those commandments.  Like I love the way I feel, or it feels.

I’m wondering w the future holds, plus, I think my grey hair is turning back.

I never w, in a million years, thought I w become this person.  This is all down to J; me healing from the abuse I feel I have been through.  It’s bc of him that I now k empathy and how to be a normal person.

To J’s Commandments

K