Hey

Got a nice Columbian coffee rn.  It’s midnight.

I feel a lot of shame.

This girl w saying how well I w doing w tidying up my home.  She comes in and helps me to get it nice.  I said to her that I felt like she w shaming me.  She w telling me how well I w doing.

It’s something that I’ve been hearing a lot lately, especially from my psychiatrist.  Stands to reason as I’ve healed from schizoaffective disorder.

I keep feeling like I want nicotine and caffeine; bc of reducing my medication.  This is normal.

She said that I have to come down slowly, bc I’ve been on it for like fourteen years.

I w saying to the girl who helps me tidy up, that, I’ve had so many good psychiatrists.  They tend to leave tho, and go on the ward.  I have a new one atm.  We spoke for the first time the other day.

I’ve noticed how some people look angry; they have angry faces.  That’s how I used to feel.  I w carrying a lot of pain.

Ik how anyone can be super attractive.  I’ve seen people just level up their looks.  I suppose it’s to do with self esteem.

I also believe that it is about how much that person worries and judges, judging particularly.

It helps me being able to think for myself and think on my feet.

Sometimes I just have to think for a sec and just think w I am doing.  People tend to wanna rush me.  Ever noticed how people try and shame that we are not doing things fast enough.  Like, I need to f centre myself when I am trying to work something out.  W the f is w w people.

I am starting to value my friends more.  I w at knit and natter, and it felt like school vibes.  I guess it’s bc it’s the same area.  They are a lot older than me.  All my friends are a lot older than me.

That’s why I love talking to my psychiatrists; and anyone who is there to help, like the girl down the Job Centre, and people who support me.

They are just so supportive.  Older people just expect me to just get on w it.  They come from a very cruel world.  I’ve heard them talking about the past.  It w downright nasty.

I’ve spoken before about how I love every new generation that comes along.  Things just get better.

I just get better as well.

Ik that I w feel more real when I come down to a lower dosage.  I w feel more connected to my friends.  I feel a little alone, even when I am around them.  It’s bc I can’t feel all my feelings.

They also probably feel a little distant bc they are from a different era.

I have to watch videos of positive affirmations, bc I have no one to support me emotionally.  It’s sad.  That’s why I want people my age, probably younger.

Just tell me I have value.  Tell me it doesn’t matter where I am in life, I am enough.  There is no timeline when it comes to someone having value.  They are perfect wherever they are in their journey.

I have value, no matter what I have or who I am.

And also.  If I feel like I am out of my f mind, it just means that I haven’t met people who value me the way I need to be valued; and boy, I feel like I’m out of my f mind.  I feel so gaslit; when there is no chance that I w speak my truth and someone not think I’m talking rubbish.

There is so much inside that I just hold in.  I just want to f speak to someone, not talk smalltalk bull sh’.

I’m getting angry.

Like I say, that is why I love my psychiatrists so much.  I am free to be rly open w w is going on w me.  I need that openness, not someone who is completely closed off; like everyone tends to be.

To Openness

K