I woke up trying to judge the town I live in, based on that if someone or a place is toxic, that has a negative effect on the mental health of a person.
It w hard not to, bc of the feeling of this harm being done to me. J’s commandments rly are something that I don’t understand. Ik tho that they have helped me beyond words.
Ik that they support me in w I w to do w my life.
I had the thought that I w only be forgiven if I forgive them for my relapse.
I’m thinking about how in songs they call London, the trenches; and how music has like truth to it.
If I want something to change, I want that something to be me. I want to stop judging.
When I w a kid, I loved this place. I want to have the feelings that I had then. It seemed like some kind of utopian paradise.
There is this feeling that this place has gone downhill, tho I feel that the truth is is that it is me that has gone downhill.
I am like Idek w is w w me, tho I blame that, my inability to feel, on something bad happening to this place.
This w always the way. I w blame my coldness on my neighbours that there is nothing to feel here bc they don’t feel of anything. Then I started to feel the life that is in them.
The medication also made me judge people, bc it made me feel like I wasn’t alive.
It w weird, bc I blamed my lack of feeling on the abuse from my parent. When I w younger I c feel. I w totally dissociated, tho I c feel. I had all my siblings tho to breathe life into me
There is no going back. J says, don’t throw your pearls to swine. I have lived w it feels like to have self esteem and I am someone new now. I just am not able to let someone take that from me, make me feel like I have no value.
I felt like I w addicted to getting upset, yesterday. Albeit bc I felt that I had ruined my trainer. I felt like I wanted more of it.
I learned something of rl value yesterday. I realised, for the second time, that me getting upset by the people in this town w part of a cycle. The cycle that I w start to feel that they were just rude and it w grow and grow, feeling that the more upset I got the more rude they were.
The solution w to not like resist them. Tho not like have resting bi’ face bc feeling like they were trying to take advantage of me and that I had to be on my guard.
Like I say, this w cause them to do it more and more.
This w upset me greatly, feeling that they w only pick on me when I w already upset. It felt so callous. It also felt like the men w try and take advantage of me sexually when I w upset, taking the opportunity of the vulnerability that I w feeling. It felt downright evil.
This is the power of perception on mood. People can be evil or they can be innocuous. It depends on the internal state of a person.
J says that no prophet has honour in their hometown of own home. This makes me feel that wherever I w from, it w be the same. I w see something that w evil in the people around me.
I am also aware that kids walk about freely w|o this feeling of danger. That’s how I want to feel, like I am no longer scared all the time; seeing everyone as a threat sexually.
I also feel that no matter w gender I w I w be scared bc I am older and these feelings come from my age, not being female.
That’s why I want to lose all this. It is no way to live w all this fear.
It’s like Nightmare On Elm Street 1. They just deem Freddy to be not real and he goes away. That is how they vanquish him.
That’s where I am rn, right in the middle of feeling like an ostrich and feeling like there is nothing to be scared of. I c go either way and I choose feeling safe.
That w reduce my stress by one million percent. I w be able to function so much better. C that be why people my age can feel like they are over the hill when it comes how they function at work. C it be all the fear blocking their mind from being able to like move into a new job.
C it be this freedom from fear that allows someone to feel totally young. I deem it to be so.
To Functioning Better
K
Miss K 