Hey

I had someone come up to me yesterday.  That’s why I’m so scared to open up.  They called me sunshine, so I just ignored him.

I want it tho.  I want to be that person.  I feel it w make me more attractive.  I have a lack of being open.  I feel it’s bc the people I’m fw are not open.  I need to get open somehow, and this is the only way Ima do it.

Having my walls up is a bit like having an attitude problem.  I guess most people have one.  That won’t do when I start a new job.  I want to be completely open, so I don’t have much time to make it happen.  I’m not rushing tho, I’m taking it one day at a time

I’m a bit more okay about it now.  I w down Ferry Meadows, where I feel safe, and I let everyone in.  It meant that I w letting people look at my body as I w walking, something that I w uncomfortable w before.

It c be bc I w taken advantage of before, I w drugged, and yk the rest.

I mustn’t distinguish between different types of people.  I mustn’t say that some are safe and others are not.

It c be bc of a lack of boundaries.  I feel that people in this town are violent.  I heard them talking on the bus about someone they felt w chicken and how they were not like that.

I’m never gonna be like that, tho I c say no.

That’s something I w not comfortable w, people looking at me.  It just felt so pervy.  I hated it.  It drove me crazy, I had a relapse.

Ferry Meadows is a good place to go to practice.  It’s just the walk into town in the morning I don’t like.  It c be my judgements that cause me to feel this way.  I w a bit narcissistic when I w younger and w look down on people.

That caused me a lot of problems where I live.  I w fine until I w bullied, then I just felt like everyone here w trash.  I hated it here.  I felt so unsafe.  I w just waiting to get used, every day.

I had had four phones stolen, and three of them were crazy expensive.  I had my neighbour who has recently passed, asking me for money every time I went in the front.  I c even go in my own f front door to my home.  It w give me an anxiety attack every time I came back.

That’s what I’m scared of, users, whether they are money or sex.  It just felt like a town full of users.

I had this homeless guy who used to see me f everywhere, maybe he w even trying to find out where I went.  I w have panic attacks then.  It w horrible.  That’s why I stopped giving to homeless people, feeling like I w being hounded.

I need to turn all that around, and feel safe again.  I need to get rid of the fear that is in my mind, tho I mustn’t talk to unsafe people, bc they w see me every day and I w feel threatened.

That’s where I w draw the line, when they stop me and ask for something, that’s the fear; that being more open w allow more unpleasant anxiety attacks into my life from users.

I have no choice tho, this is w I w.  I want to be this person.  I can’t be closed off just bc I feel that everyone is a user.  It causes more anxiety being closed off, going on one about w a sh’ hole I feel I live in.

I’ll be honest.  I feel that I am so scared bc I am older.  I feel the older reality is one of crippling fear and I want to shed this.  I feel it is affecting the way I function, like at work.  If I want a decent job I have to change.

Boundaries w never my thing.  I feel I have been used all my life by my mother.  I feel she has ASBD and w use me as her emotional punching bag, controlling me to an insanely tight leash, manipulating actually the person I w inside w her delectable tasting my corrupted soul and I feel, getting off on it.  That w how I feel she went after narcissistic supply and I feel it completely destroyed me till there w nothing left.  I w completely unemployable.

I feel she w look at that unemployable oafishness and w deem her to be correct in her ‘guiding’ me.  She w see such a broken person.  I feel she w a very sick woman.

And now it’s my time to empower myself and get my soul back, and that is w I am trying to do by trusting people again.

Joining clubs has felt safe, and that has changed my life.  Getting into work I feel Ima handle bc people won’t try and manipulate me too much.  I’m scared of people w ASBD tho as they can be too much and there are hella lots about; w my history of abuse.  I’m scared it w bring it all back.

To Trying To Live Again

K