I’m not like other people. I realised this yesterday. I decided to say how someone had offended me. This is something that they all do, and I wanted to be like them, tho it wasn’t right for me.
It made me feel so guilty for having said something about someone. I w racked w grief and couldn’t stop thinking about it.
It made me question whether opening up to people w the right thing. Yes, it worked like a charm, or gangbusters or whatever. Tho the energy of it is me trying to be more like other people, and Idk if I should do that; especially the flirting.
The thing about feeling attracted to people, w that it allowed me to realise who I am notattracted to. It made me safer in that respect or regard. It made me realise who I am not attracted to and stay the hell away from feeling anything for them.
I also realised that my friends are absolutely the people I wanna be around, bc I feel so attractive when I am around them. That is one thing that I value super highly.
J says, the room w swept clean and the house put in order and then the person takes on seven evil spirits more wicked than the first, and the condition of the person is worse than before.
This has put me on my guard. Like, I have just swept my floor and put my house in order. I must be careful not to attract the wrong people. I have lots of friends and I feel safe w them. They don’t want to be close to me emotionally and that’s okay w me.
Also, letting people in, has made me feel unattractive. That’s another reason why I should probably stop judging them for being toxic and keep my distance.
I feel like I c stop making eye contact w them so much. I remember how much I disliked people doing that to me, and I should not do the same to them. J says treat people how you want to be treated, and that w be a good rule of thumb.
Like I say, I shouldn’t judge them. I have been in their world for a couple of day, and, I see the value of being open w people, tho like I say I don’t feel it’s rly me. I’m still figuring this stuff out so Idk.
One thing I do k is that I should not be scared. I have lived w|o fear for two days now and that rly is a take home that I w like to keep.
Like I say, losing the attitude should allow me to just lower my fear level and be much more higher functioning when I get a part time job. I should be infinitely more useful to my employer and may even get promoted super quick.
Fear rly is the enemy, and like I said before, it w keeping out of a much younger reality, a reality that I sorely want to feel in my awareness. It’s all moving in the right direction.
J looks at little children and says only such as these enter the kingdom of heaven. It feels more like heaven to be in that genre of awareness. It just feels like I am in the right reality. I want to take a trip back there.
I w doing all this to feel that reality again. I felt it when watching Luna Bloom, and it w great. I am addicted and want more. Everything I do, is to be in or get myself into that reality.
It is a part of healing. I have reduced my illness to the point of not having it anymore by following J’s commandments. I must extend that further until I am in the reality I want.
Maybe the emotional instability that I have is a rl thing. Maybe that is w is making me feel scared all the time. Maybe I am ill, Idk.
I’m wary of contemporary psychology bc it can be wrong. Feeling all my feelings is a bad idea, bc it leads to judgement, and then I feel that everyone is judging me bc I am judging others. I feel, it makes me feel rly worthless and I disagree w that. It’ll all come out in the wash and I w find my way.
Tho I’m down w healing from emotional instability. I want there to be absolutely nothing w w me. I w to be totally healthy. I want to be able to walk around freely and feel comfortable. I’m tired of feeling terror from the people around me.
It means that I am living in a world that feels evil. I don’t like the world I am in and must change the world w|i to change the world out there. I want to feel safe, and like it’s some kind of utopia just like I felt when I w younger. I want to love the world I am in so exquisitely.
It’s like work. I want to love work. I don’t want to complain at work. I want to be totally at peace w it. I want to have no complaints. I want to feel good that I am going in to work, and look forward to it in the morning. I want to love my routine and getting myself ready
That is my criteria for work, for my boss at the agency; that I love work so much and it feels good to be doing it. That is how I w choose a job and that is how he w find something for me that fits.
To Healthy Reality
K
Miss K 