Hey

It’s two am, and I am up.  I have my coffee and it tastes good.

I only have one coffee a day now, so it should give me a good hit.  The CBD has been working super well.

For some reason I only get a buzz off of CBD, when I inhale it.  CBD makes me dance good, Idk why.

I’ve got a max of two months before my medication is lowered.  It w put me on one mg; w is the amount I w on last year when I had a relapse.  It is amazing me how I am getting better so fast.

I saw someone yesterday, and they didn’t recognise me.  It’s probably bc I have changed so much.

I also have realised that I rly can’t think.  This thought is kinda scary.  Like is it healthy to not think.  It is the only way to prevent me from having anxiety.  I find that thought leads to judgement, leads to anxiety.  Ik that thinking too much is a form of worry

Is this how it is to be a woman; like thinking is rly toxic and everything has to be done out of presence.

I may actually be female and I feel I changed to male in the womb bc my abuser had ASBD.  C this be bc the constant thinking that I did bc of w I feel w violent abuse, w have caused me to.. I can’t talk about it, it’s too painful.  Tho I feel I wouldn’t even be here.

That’s honestly the truth.  I can’t think bc it f me up.

I remembered how on, I Woke Up A Vampire, she said how thinking of scenarios and how to solve them never works out well.  This actually helped me bc I w l w always scared and thinking how to get out of situations.

I had the faith that I didn’t need to do that, bc I w young once and remember that I just didn’t worry about things like that.

I w lucky, bc, I went in to the Agency, and w totally present, when I asked for a job.  This meant that I gave a very good first impression.  I w also humble and said I w do w w offered to me.

I may have to do a Nursing Home job, before Ima prove myself and get to do customer service.  I don’t wanna think about it.  I have kept it out of my mind one hundo, bc it scares the pants off of me.

Tho, like I said, Ik that this Town has the vibes that it used to have like years ago, when I w actually kinda fully sane.

I w totally sane, apart from being dissociated, I feel, due to incredibly damaging emotional abuse.  It’s kinda swings and roundabouts.  I guess things aren’t that bad rn, tho I need to be in reality.

Being older has been a total bust for me w all the fear that I am feeling.  I feel that is why adults always upset their children bc of saying that they can’t do things.  Children just don’t feel scared of the things that they are saying are dangerous.  They feel that they are paranoid and being controlling.

They may feel that they are trying to brainwash them into feeling scared all the time and make them lose their minds, w w actually happen when they are in their twenties.

It’s sad how young people lose reality.  They k something that felt so good, and then it is gone.  It must hurt to k that they are not sane anymore, and w never be.

I guess they feel that they are right; like that adult reality is actual real reality.  How do they get convinced of that.

There w this woman on, One Of Us Is Lying, the Cop, and she said that teenagers have twice the Neurones bc they are so f confused it is harming their brains.  She actually believes this it seems.  I feel that adults dehumanise kids, like they are nuts or something, and when they are adults they w be alright.

When they are adults, they w have lost the peace that comes from being totally sane.  I feel that the only option left is to devalue their kids that they are in the right, allowing them some kind of narcissistic supply or something; that telling their kids that they are right is the only thing that makes them feel sane.  Idk.

And another thing; adults use sex to make themselves feel alright.  Kids don’t want to do that.

I mean, I felt randy af when I w younger tho I never needed it to make me feel sane.  I felt sane already.  G when you put it like that, it sounds so desperate.

Like adults are going around like predators, looking for sex bc they feel so f up, it is the only thing that w make them feel alright; like zombies, saying, sex, sex.

It’s the fear that is in the adult mind.  They are too scared to form close connections w people.  They don’t want someone popping round to hang.  They are so alone and keeping everyone at arms length, that they need sex for that closeness.

The only thing is that the person they are f, is a total whore and that is the worst kind of person to be screwing.  There is never any chance of being emotionally close to that person.  And I guess that’s why relationships never work out.

It needs to be the other way round, where they pop round someone’s to hang, and they end up having sex.

To Being Sane

K