Hey

It’s half past midnight.  I have my coffee.

I have beerzies today, tho I won’t be having caffeine before.  Idk

I rly see the value of not thinking.  It’s like when I w at work and people were talking.  I w be thinking at the same time, unable to listen and I w have panic attacks.  I tried my hardest to listen and eventually got good at it.

It doesn’t matter whether I am listening to someone talking or on my own; I like to keep that presence going.  I found that at croquet, I w able to play well bc of not thinking.  Thinking w absolutely be the killer of me being able to play well.  It w allow in shame that w make me feel like I didn’t deserve to win.  It’s rly to stop me from having anxiety attacks when, there.

It’s all about self esteem.  When I don’t think, my self esteem is high.  When I do, it’s not.

I need that reality I had when I lived at home.  There were all these special feelings.  I want them back.  I’m having glimpses of how I felt then and it feels so good.  I have one hundo, faith that I am moving in that direction; all through how I use my mind.

It takes me back how toxic thoughts are, and just makes me think that maybe J w real.  Like w he said, is knowledge that no one k.  He said it like two thousand years ago, and no one has found out the truth of it till now; maybe.

I want to be the first.  It’s hard.  It’s hard to trust something that people tend not to fw.  Like Idk anyone w fw all the commandments; maybe people who do ASMR, tho the young don’t count, bc they may forget them as we all do, when we hit teenage years.

I hate social conditioning, saying that we need to change.  We don’t.  There is nothing w w the young.  That’s w I need to eradicate from my being; like when I get triggered by someone w their phone on on the bus.   That’s bc society tells people that it is w or selfish.  I wish I c forget.

I feel that society w constructed by people w ASBD, the etiquette and manners.  They w be the people that w never let go of thinking how something should be.  They w fight tooth and nail to manipulate everyone into doing it their way.  Everyone else w empathy w let go of w they think things should be.  I feel that people w ASBD won out, and got to dictate w society should look like.

It’s too psychopathic for me, I don’t like it.

I feel that psychopathy is unhealthy bc they always think; and I feel some thoughts can become a little obsessive and get out of control, like thinking harm on someone; w|o empathy to shut those thoughts down.

We all k how damaging thoughts can be when dwelt on too much.  I feel they have no way of stopping it and just let it perpetually run riot.  Idk.  That’s my opinion of how harm comes to people.

It’s got me thinking that the purpose of empathy is to just shut thoughts down.  I have believed this for some time.  It just gives the mind or brain something else to feel when not thinking, an alternative.

It also is borne out, through neuroscience, where there are two pathways.  Empathy shuts down thought, and thought shuts down empathy.

This is how people who have been abused have been manipulated.  Their abuser has programmed them to shut their empathy down by thinking all the time.  The thoughts w all be shame.  That way they are more palatable for the abuser.

That’s why it is important w abuse to not overthink.  It’s all over social media for a reason.  People who have been abused wanting to be better people and using this tool to get there.  It’s like the holy grail of someone wanting to level up or be into growth.

We all look at people who have made rl change in their lives and k in our hearts that it is right, even if it is hard to do.  Social media gives people hope that they can change and I feel that this zhè of  social media is often overlooked and it is deemed to be toxic.

Social media showed me that it is possible to heal.  I have seen things that just gave me faith in that.  It felt so good to have seen a post like that.  There rly aren’t words to describe it.

I w seriously f up, and of course I wanted to just feel my feelings again.  Feeling feelings is the only reason to want to be alive.  It is the point of life.  It shows that people can get back to that; bc abuse tends to pop up and destroy a person’s life when they are an adult.  All their feelings shut down, when in youth they c feel.  Ik that I once c feel.  It gave me hope all my life and it w w I needed to never give up.

These posts on social media light up that faith and give it wind, to sail the boat a little further towards healing.  They are invaluable, and every one has meant so much to me.

To Social Media

K