Hey

I’m having beerzies down Ferry Meadows.  I forgot to bring one, so I popped into waitrose and got one, and even remembered the bottle opener.

I w thinking about my obsession w feeling that people were devaluing me for feeling upset.  I think it stems back to having a person w ASBD bringing me up from birth.  I feel she came accross as I w doing something wrong when I w upset; to which I w get more upset and then she w do it more, and I w get more upset.

Sound like a pattern.  Like when I w get upset walking to town, and then feel that people w like get needy w me, I w feel more upset, then feel that they saw that and were even needier till I w in a right state.  I’m pretty sure that’s where it came from

I finally accepted today, that people don’t feel I’m bad for feeling upset, and I didn’t feel shame for it.

I thought about giving up beer; tho, I remember that it makes me feel super confident around the business, w is invaluable for my mindset.  It seems like a breeze.

I looked at my landing page.  It’s easy to see why it needed improvement.  My energy back then needed to raise a little bit, to a doper level.

It’s all self esteem; knowing w to type on a landing page.  That can’t be taught.  It’s a good job I didn’t do a course in it.  It  wouldn’t have had any value.  I have an insanely high IQ, and I needed to like engineer the way I do it, to be profitable in my own way.  I needed to use my talent, as opposed to just get into something where I’m just doing something someone has taught me.  It wouldn’t have had the zest I need.

It’s kinda weird, sitting here, drinking, and not feeling like everyone has it out for me.  It’s a totally different experience, and I like it, less paranoid.

I desperately need to do some shopping on the way back.  I had pancakes for breakfast, bc I w out of chips or hash browns.  I need a loaf of bread as well, and some breakfast cereal.  Idk how Ima take it all back.

I used open body language this morning.  It helped me to feel like people weren’t staring at me or looking me up and down.  I feel it makes me look more like a kid and they don’t pay me no mind.

It’s funny how travelling in my mind has taken me to different places mentally and have given me tools to cope.

I’m starting to feel pretty wasted here.  I’ve got loads of beer left.

I didn’t completely avoid thought when a little uneasy, this morning.  I thought that it didn’t work, when I w pi’ on Thur; tho I think it’s probably the right tac for croquet as it seems to allow me to win.

I have barred myself, from bi’ about things.  I tell myself, that’ll make me lose croquet.

The people around me, don’t feel like the enemy.

I think my £17 vape, had lasted me a whole month on one pod; I have three.

It’s a lovely sunny day.

I’m kinda concerned for work.  Like I do rly struggle w people.  I’ve noticed that people older than me struggle too.  Idk how normal it is, and whether it w cause problems; that I’m not gonna think about.  I promised myself to not enter the rabbit hole of wondering or worrying anything about it.

I’ve become more aware of rabbit holes lately.  They can suck me in for hours; like when I thought about looking up a keyword in the planner.  I saw myself heading down one, and thought there’s no way Ima do that.  I have the plan and it look like it’s gonna work, so Ima just do what I’m doing and not distract myself.

I’ve had to tell myself that, I, have been abused and that’s why I am the way I am.

To Introspection

K