It’s midnight, and I have my coffee.
Someone w walking behind me yesterday and I felt to creeped out. I felt like they were fixating on me.
I then feel I entered reality. I just felt that whatever w going on, I just didn’t give a f; talk about chill.
I find people being incredibly respectful. Idk why J says that a prophet has no honour in their home town or their home, bc I have. People treat me super well. The thing is is that it says, no prophet, so how can I be the exception.
I got scared, that at work, I may have to be around someone who feels super creepy, and feel upset all day long. Rn Idc. It scares me how much people I feel are unhealthy, have power over me.
That’s the issue w this town. I feel there are crazy amount of people who have very low self esteem. All towns have their issues.
I feel narcissism is like a disease. It spreads from person to person. People put their walls up to cope w it, and in return they become more narcissistic bc of it, leading others to put their walls up more. That way it kinda increases in everyone. Who k what started it
It c be something to do w the heroin problem, and the homelessness; or maybe that is just a symptom of the low self esteem here.
Abuse spreads. Hurt people hurt people. Abusive parents abuse their children and so it perpetuates. G k the damage that that kind of abuse does to someone inside.
I recently discovered, that, I just feel like everyone f hates me. I trace this back to crying as a baby and being gaslit by a parent with zero empathy, crying more, and being gaslit more.
Therefore there’s this feeling in me that when I am upset, I am doing something w and people feel me evil bc of it. When I am upset I feel people f hate me for it. Abuse, tricking me into thinking that everyone just has it out for me.
It’s quite moving, ascending into the experience that people are human. I w never have this experience twice, and it is special; to be going through this rn; the learning process that the people around me are as perceptive as I am.
Like that, should I explain that something bothers me, they w feel the same way. That’s empathy.
Unfortunately there is a lot of gaslighting in the culture of the people in this town. Idk if it is age that causes people to deny my experience or just some kinda of pathologically narcissistic culture, where people have so much going on, they don’t have time to just feel someone’s pain and needs.
I guess the feel that someone voicing w bothers them is them being used in some way, like they are gonna ask for something, or hinting that they want something just by sharing.
So, kinda people understand tho they don’t, w rly frustrates me.
That’s why I want to find new people; people who are just.. people who have the same feelings I do, and anything that bothers me w probably be something that bothers them too; so I don’t feel out of my f mind all the time. Ik that people should totally empathise, tho they don’t.
I feel so gaslit. Like my own empathy is my enemy, bc it is telling me that people are causing me pain, and yet I am feeling like that makes me the problem. It’s horrid, aside from the fact Ik that any normal person w understand, in theory, tho Idk where the hell they are.
Like, my boss, at work. Ik that he w understand, should I say that I’m rly being upset all day long, bc of feeling that someone is super creepy. He w get it. He seems like a normal dude; w is super, bc I rly need that.
As long as he gets it, Ik that he w do whatever he can, and Ima just trust him in whatever he says. That’s the power of empathy, It builds trust. Knowing that someone is a human being just it stands to reason or follows that they have the tools to deal and make the right choices.
Tell someone w ASBD and they wouldn’t k w the f you are talking about, and gaslight you, and do nothing. A total lack of empathy is a total lack of understanding of what is upsetting bc of someone having empathy.
It is empathy that causes the pain, ironically enough. It is the empathy that says that this person’s behaviour is upsetting, bc that person is showing a lack of empathy. Someone w|o it, c never ever understand that pain.
For them it w just be people having empathy that irk them. That they are too soft, that they just need to man up and get the hell on w it. That every decision has to be anally correct and no mistake is allowed.
That is the function of empathy, to be able to make mistakes, to just be chill and not give a f about things being perfect. It’s to give the damn brain a break. No wonder they snap.
That’s what abuse is. It’s the constant punishment and devaluing for things not be absolutely right and perfect.
The problem is is that that is only perfection in the eyes of someone’s opinion, and every opinion is different, even among people w ASBD. There is no such thing as perfection.
What one person is anally retentive af about, another might not give a sh’ about and be anally retentive about something completely different.
To Empathy
K
Miss K 