Hey

I just got up, it’s half three am, and I’ve got my coffee.

It’s the hour of the hunt and all the animals are out hunting.  It’s a special time of night that I rly like.

I get to apply for the conversion tracking today.  I’ve got bowling in the morning, and I’ve got to tidy up in the afternoon.  It may have to wait.

I’m kinda scared like there is something stopping me from doing it.  It c be the fear that it’s not gonna work.  This is quite healthy tho.  So long as I think that it might not work, I w be okay.  It’s when I believe super strongly and then get let down that I rly suffer.

Ik that as long as my energy keeps rising I w get there eventually; and the funny thing is is that, I stuck w the same offer.  I stayed loyal to one company the whole time.

It w bc I rang up and the girl w so positive and I just had so much faith in them and me.  I chose to do all it took, right then.  Plus they always help me, so I owe them.  As far as customer service goes, they have to be the best company ever.  It’s the vibe I got.

When I start making money, I’ll be able to ask my boss for a better job as well, like it’s a qualification or something.  I’ll also get to choose whether I want to work or not, I won’t have to.  I enjoy going to lots of clubs, tho I want to meet people my own age and that’s a bit of a challenge.

I dreamt that I hummed a bass riff to a song.  It went a little wrong, tho I feel that if I practise, I should be able to get good at it.  I hum riffs all the time, and I am getting better.

My eyes keep getting itchy bc I keep touching them and I have vowed to only touch them w w baby wipe.

Keeping myself and my body language open has been an absolute game changer for me.  It just, I feel, puts people off from being weird around me, when I am walking to Town.  I rly feel creeped out by some of the people.

I remember when I w young.  I never felt creeped by anyone.  I remember like the drunk, and the weird girl and I never thought they w do anything.  That’s w I w to get back to, just feeling that they are unusual.  I struggle w this feeling that they all want something.  I feel threatened.

I suppose part of me, coming from a narcissistic environment, wants to feel that they are somehow lower than me.  Idk.  Tho J says, don’t throw your pearls to swine, so I need to be careful that they are dangerous.

Ik that the world Ik, when I w young, still does exist.  It is all around me, even if I can’t feel it.  I need to be in that world.  I felt safer then.  I am trying my hardest to get back in.  I won’t be at peace until I do.

I w in ASDA, and I had the awareness that things are exactly the same.  It w mind blowing.  Town feels like such a dump, tho back in the day, it felt like such an abundant place.  I can’t reconcile the difference and need to k what the hell is going on.

Yesterday I felt like a kid.  I do kinda feel like a child, I have to be honest.  I feel super vulnerable like a child when I am walking around.  I guess it’s just honesty about how things are.  Anyone c do anything, it’s true.

I w ripped and built like f, when I w a kid, I used to do rowing.  I don’t feel that that is why I felt safe tho.  I’ve seen kids walking around like they don’t give a f.  It’s not even so much like that, it’s that they don’t feel that there is any danger.

That’s how I want to see the world.  I just want to have more trust in people.

I feel it’s bc I find people creepy and threatening and I just need to see them more as they are, like w makes them tick.  I feel if I c rly see them, I w see them as no threat.  Like I say tho, I must not talk to them bc they can be dangerous.

It’s like my abuser.  I feel that should I go to see her she w either a( gaslight me for like an hour straight or the whole time I’m there that I’m the problem, setting me back to mental illness, me needing medication again, w w be horrendous, or just attack me, possibly fatally wound me.

People w ASBD absolutely w do that, when they are challenged; and I have challenged her w the only thing I feel she cares about, her narcissistic supply.  She w attack to get it back, I feel.

There is one more thing that she, I feel w be extremely violent over, and that’s her reputation.  I feel that she w kill over it.  I have never dared to fw that.  I like living and want to carry on living.  I don’t have time for being stupid.

That is exactly w J says, when he says don’t throw your pearls to swine, lest they turn and tear you to pieces; and I feel she w.  I feel she is a very sick woman, and I also feel my brother is as sick, tho he may not be as evil, I feel.

It breaks my heart to not fw my brother.  Tho I just don’t have time for playing pretend, like I’m the problem.  There’s also the threat of being used and just more reasons to stay away, I feel.  I’m not gonna pretend that his fake reality is right, I feel.  I feel it’s just gaslighting that I am wrong for allowing empathy into my life and becoming someone healthy.  Again I feel there w be huge damage to me.

I don’t have time for anything in my life that’s unhealthy af.  I have not had a life for the last thirty years and I need to fix my life and low self esteem and live.  Tbh I feel like they have held me back from having an ounce of self esteem.  I felt so dead inside I just hurt 24/7 that I felt nothing.

Now is all about me being healthy, and taking the broken pieces of my life and making something of it.  I need to live and I feel they w only do their level best to set me back to where I w.

To Living

K