Hey

It’s three thirty am, I have my coffee.

Someone flirted with me yesterday, I wasn’t interested tho.  It feels good tho that someone w interested in me that way.  I hope it doesn’t make things awkward between us.

It feels good to be learning human behaviour; and kinda scary at the same time, like I c miss something that is life changing.  It’s frightening how being savvy involves such mental sharpness, and making the right decision in the moment.

I have been trying to be more chill for years now, and Idk if that rly is.  It’s kinda the opposite.

It shows me the importance of staying in the moment, and not doing drugs.

It’s kinda scared me.  I don’t want people flirting w me at work.  The thought of it makes me feel threatened.  W if someone won’t take no for an answer.  W if someone tries to bully me around it.  That’s a lot of what if’s.

Life is full of what if’s.  What if someone robs me on the way to town, or worse, what if someone tries to sexually attack me.

These are feelings that I have not been having lately.  Since I used my open body language, I have not been feeling that way.

I w have people I feel kinda leering at me, and it made me feel like I w in danger from all sorts of things.  I think it w bc I w judging them as creepy or whatever and feeling that the whole town w like it, and therefore there must be a threat of something horrendous somewhere.

I have found myself judging the leerers less and subsequently feeling less danger from the people of this town.

I guess this is how it works, when younger people just aren’t scared of going out.  I feel it’s bc that judgement is not there and w|o it they feel safe.

I guess judgement makes people scared; so if my goal is to feel safe just like a teenager, then I just have to carry on not judging people until I feel no reason to judge them at all.

I remember being around this guy who, today, I w find super creepy, and I w not scared at all.  I never felt, oh, he’s looking at me this way or that, I just thought he w that weird guy, that drunk.  I don’t remember being scared of anyone.

Even the local big shot dude let me off when I got in trouble w him bc my brother k him.  I had been round his house once.

Actually that’s not true.  There w this one guy.  I told his dog to shut up, and he attacked me, said, why don’t we see if I get my dog, whether you w tell it to shut up.

From then on, I thought he w attack me again if he saw me, tho I saw him the next day and he didn’t do anything, so I w chill from then on.  I don’t feel he should be attacking children.

There w a siege at that estate and it w probably him who w involved.

Like I say, that w the only time I w ever scared; apart from the time my abuser said she w call social services and get rid of me.

My friend said it wasn’t right that she w do that, tho being in that situation I couldn’t see it, at the time.  It felt gaslighty like I deserved it.  It wasn’t pleasant.

I used to love hanging out w my friends, and I want that again.  I lost them when I lost my job, that w hard for me, tho I soon made new ones and they were pretty dope.  I loved them.

I look back and Ima feel how it felt, tho in my reality I can’t feel it.  I feel that it’s something to do w the medication I’m on, that my memories aren’t blocked tho my present reality is.  Maybe when I stop it, it w all come through.  That w be rly nice.

All the time I feel like something is missing.  It c be reality that is missing, the pills block reality.

I want to go to all the old places where I felt reality rly strongly and feel it again; back to the seven eleven that I loved so much, and all around.

I guess town has places like that.  I remembering walking through my estate and feeling good in certain parts of it, and all over.  I even felt good at the Orton Centre Flats.  I felt it w just lovely vibes.

I’m starved of these feelings, and I’m very hungry.  Idk how people live w|o them.  How do they not wanna get them back.

I feel that parents gaslight their kids that that whole reality isn’t real and that adult reality is the real reality.  I bed to differ.  I reject adult reality, as it feels of nothing and just, like I say, want to feel real in the kid way.

How do people make that transition from kid to adult.  I guess that’s hella why teenagers get depressed, they stop feeling it, tho soon forget and get on w their lives.

I feel tho, that it’s a reality of judgement.  Like judging the value of people based on.. Idk, everyone has measures of value that are different.  People might feel that people who are parents are better than those who are not.  People w lots of money feel that they are better.

Everyone has their clique, and feels that they are better than others.  They look down on them.

There are all these demographics that are at odds w each other, entering the adult reality, like n’as and snow people, women and men, snobs and antisnobs, etc, young and old.

The adult world is full of these, where kids don’t see any of it.  That’s why I see a transition into a new reality, one that doesn’t have that pleasure of feeling the joy of being in certain places.

I feel it’s significant how I only felt that feeling towards places and not people.  I feel it w the rejection of my empathy and all my feelings that caused that.  Idek how it feels to feel that about a person.  It c be lovely to find out.

I am starting to feel things towards people, just a little, like when my friend confided in me.  It rly felt like she trusted me and it w nice.

That’s the thing that I value in my friends more than anything, openness.  I feel like I rly see them when they are talking about difficult things that are going on.  They seem so human and that is nice.

I wondered if the empathy part of my brain w damaged from all the abuse, and maybe I’m struggling more than others when it comes to feeling those feelings, and maybe it w take me longer to get there.

There’s no doubt that abuse actually damages the brain.

To Empathy And Youth

K