Hey

I have a Coke, and a beer rn.

I w a judgemental pr’.  Like; I felt that people shouldn’t share certain things.  The way I w brought up, I felt that any kinda expressing of disappointment w someone, in a zingy way, w like inappropriate or something.  Like who the hell did I think I w.

Now, it gives me that glimmer of life, from a cold world, not fw people that much.  I can be out and about, listening to people express themselves.  It’s just a bit better than feeling, roaming on my own.

I feel I’ve turned into someone completely different from the person I w brought up or expected to be.  Like, that w all my abuser and had nothing to do w who I w.  I w a carbon copy of her, and that just screams psycho, and maybe I w.

I feel that all my anxieties some from a narcissistic like part of myself.  Like, feeling triggered bc things don’t match up to my reality.  It w some sense of grandiosity that I had to see every thing that people did as offensive.  I actually needed these anxiety attacks, to help me to feel superior.  I w egging myself into anxiety.

Now I’m just a self esteem junky.  You see, people aim at their lives, and say Ima head for this or solve my path w that.  I aim w|i, w no knowledge of how Ima fit in or what Ima do, just soley focus on self esteem and that taking me to my goal, wherever or whatever that is.

It gives me great pleasure to be so clueless.  I don’t like to plan.  I’ve somehow just become stuck in the present moment.

I have rejected thought, as completely useless.  It rly serves no purpose whatsoever.  Ima think on my feet and solve all my problems w|o thinking ahead.

I have found this invaluable in the business.  Had I tried to hash out w my next move w, agonising about what the hell to do, until, hopefully the answer came, I w still be there in the middle of an anxiety rabbit hole, trying things that w never work.  I’ve been stuck in those before and now I just avoid them.

It helps to get some advice; like School Of Hard Knocks is super for tips on how to smash it.  On the surface it all seems general and useless, tho when implemented it’s fire; and I’ve had some of my best tips there.

I’ve got it into my head that kids nowadays don’t think.  I feel that I’ve been in the wrong reality bc too much water has gone under the bridge.  My reality just isn’t relevant anymore, where I’m thinking and analysing all the time.

It all needs to come from presence now, it’s the reality of this generation, I feel; and memory can be found there too, not forcing things into my brain and trying to remember things that don’t even matter or I’m stupid.  All that just f up my mindset and f up my memory.  Presence helps me to remember things now, better than I ever did before.

When I take time and don’t rush myself, I remember everything I need.  When I’m kind to myself, my memory works better.  When I’m in this reality of not thinking, my memory works better; it all works better.  I have found myself.  Following J’s commandments, has given me me, and that is something that just Idek what to say.

His commandments have made me employable; bc the very thing that upset me about being around people, now gives me that glow that I get a glimpse into who they are, brightening my day a little.

I trust my boss.  He w give me something that is a match.  I went to that agency a long time ago and it w good.  I had all these temp jobs that kept me going.  There w no issue w signing off and on again.  I then ended up in a welding job that I rejected, and I regret that, kinda.

Ik that things w go right now.  I’m just not the same person.  I’m Miss K 2.0.  J’s commandments have given me that youth fire, that just makes me very tempting to employers, my negativity of age, replaced by just positivity, to be fair.  And it’s a real positivity, it’s more aligned w how things actually are.

I have allowed people to help me for a long time now, and I continue to do that; it’s just moving one step further.  He is a new support system that I have now, to guide me and encourage me, and whatever he does.

That’s the thing.  Idk anything of his world.  How can I assert that I want this and want that.  I need to draw on his knowledge and allow him to just help me.  I know nothing, he knows everything, just let him get on w it.

If I w him, I wouldn’t want to be bothered; distractions are never good and only get in the way of the best result.

To Support In All It’s Forms

K