Hey

It’s midnight.  I have my coffee.

I’ll have to get some more.  I wanted to go into Waitrose, tho I had been drinking and I felt like everyone w a poser so I left.

I w hiding my face from people, on the way home, bc I felt like they were all just, it felt so creepy.

The problem w w that it just made me angry.  The more I tried to hide under the rim of my bucket hat, the more they tried to peep round it.  I feel the people in this town are a little strange.

That’s actually a big lesson I learned there, and I feel that that w w caused my relapse last time.  I feel it actually made me go mad.  On the surface that feels kinda oafish.

And then there’s all the people who just say they wanna f me, w has been happening a lot lately.  In fact it’s all been kicking off in the last few days.  I suppose they all feel, Ima get on that bandwagon.

I realise that it’s all a good thing.  It’s people upping their game bc I’ve upped mine.  My energy has risen and people have felt more free to be open about how they feel around me.  There’s been more to deal w until I get used to it.

I had to accept that people just say sh’.  Everywhere I go, people are just talking.  Damn that talking.  Saying how this person is a di’ and that person is a skank.

One time this guy said, chicken right to me, and I thought he w talking to me.  It rly takes some getting used to.  That’s people upping their game.

They never used to be so open around me; and that made me feel for a while that they were talking to me; bc I wasn’t used to it.  That’s the thing, getting used to it.

It means tho that I have to go back into Waitrose and get my Machu Pichu.  It should be okay bc I’m not drunk, tho I’m still scared that Ima feel that everyone’s gonna try and get attention from me and follow me round the store.

Had I not avoided the first poser, I feel I w have been alright.  I have to be cool w people just, I feel, upsetting me.  Like it happens.  Gone are the days when I have a total meltdown.  I w just playing avoid the poser and I got lost in it.

On the other hand, I had my beer and Coke down Ferry Meadows and it all went super well.  I struggle w people down the pub, I feel, spoiling my buzz w their toxic moaning.  They’re probably alcoholics.

I remember feeling so indignated, that, people just up their game as my energy rises.  It felt like I w being singled out and I just got so angry at all that.  It felt horrid.

It started w the posers.  As soon as I started following J’s commandments, I got the posers, on the bus.  It seemed that my rising self esteem w causing them to start striking one every few seconds, and it felt like they were doing it bc they were fixating on me, like they were intimidated by it, anxious bc of it, threatened by it, even.

And then things just got crazy.  I wanted things as they were before.  I’d never been attractive all my life, and people had never felt insecure around me.  This, I didn’t like, and just wanted it to go away.

It didn’t.  The fever just rose and rose and rose, until I w drowning under the tide; me wondering w the hell they were gonna pull next.  Things just went bananas when I felt people were staring at me, that’s when I had a relapse.

I w going to London and noticed that people didn’t give a f about me there, it w nice.  It made me hate my Town and that w the nail in my coffin; four days a homeless schizophrenic.

Life is wac.  Like who w have thought that the way to cope w to just let people croon over me, that hiding myself w just end up killing me.  Had I learned this when I w young, I w have wondered w the hell I kinda world I w living in.  It just is w it is and I deal now

There is this fear that things are gonna get more f up, ngl.  Like, when are people gonna start chasing me down the street.  I’m f serious.

I kinda wondered if the business w not a good idea.  W if it worked out and that made me want people to do it more, I mean hate that people did it more.  What is this sh’.

In Other News

Yea, the girl at Google, said that she is calling me and my number is blocked, tho her number isn’t blocked so I need to give her my number and we go from there.  I’m just texting her once a day, bc the fear of talking to Google Ads is palpable.

I’ve had some rly nice psychiatrists tho, and even my boss, and everyone at the Department for Work And Pensions is nice, so I be like kinda open to her being gorgeous, yk.  Some people just kinda rule, and they’re everywhere.

Ik, that, to get the royal treatment, I have to do everything she says.  That’s why I have looked in my blocked numbers even tho I hella don’t want to talk to her.  This whole thing goes against w I w, tho that’s always what happens when I desperately need help and have nowhere else to turn.  Broken I say please may you help me, and then they throw jobsworth out the window and just break the rules for me.

That’s the kinda customer service that I like, and like I say I have to just follow her instructions to the letter to get that treatment.  That w a lesson well learned, through a desperate time.

If I need this ad campaign to work, I need that special help.  I choose to put everything into this and not hold back.  Idek why I want this to work, more money more problems.  I just feel totally unemployable, and that this is the only way for me.

To Attention, Wanted Or Unwanted

K