Hey

It’s gonna take hard work.  I’ve got to put the effort into not worrying, not judging, and the other stuff.  It’s gonna take all I have

J says, gird your loins w great strength.  I now understand, how much of a struggle that w be.  I’m scared that I w fail.

Luckily J gave me a pain w is far greater, as is his beauty.  It is a deeper struggle and one that Ima do little about.  I feel this is a gift to get me through this.

I don’t think it w be long until I have succeeded.  I remember my relapse and how close I w to winning, when I just got too upset and ruined my life.  Ik the pain w be this bad again, and that, just by holding on, I w get there.  It says so in James; and I have faith in that; more than ever.  His words rly have meaning for me.

I want to be the first.  I have the authenticity to pull it off.  Everything I do is authentic; my singing, my business, my gender.  Ik it’s me.

That is the most powerful motivating force, identifying as a certain person.  That’s who I am and Ima try.

I get mentally younger every day; that should help.  It gives me the strength I need.  The tools I need to get there w be given to me every day.  Feeling more free, from people, I feel, persecuting me, should help.

I’m drinking a beer.  I w find it hard to, not feel like people are being posers, against me.  I must allow them, I feel, to hurt me.  It is better than getting angry at them, w c cause a relapse.  Ik things were far worse before, and that gives me comfort.

This w take time, that’s the hard part.  I w want it to all be over, tho I w be in it for ages.  When I relapsed, I w feeling like people were persecuting me for months.

I also must be ready to ask for more medication, if persecution gets too much; even tho, I am coming off it.  I can communicate good and get that across, my psychiatrists have been stella for years.

Ik what I am getting into.  This w be hard.

One thing that is an absolute no no, is being mad at G.  She does get offended, even when I prefrace it w, I need to get made at you and Ik you can handle it.  It makes no difference and that won’t release the pain I feel.  It w just destroy my life and they w win.

I may even still be evil when I have reset my age.  I kinda hope so.  It’s an evil world.  I w just be young again.

I also need time to grow up, I haven’t done that yet.  Idek if boundaries are the right thing.  I feel I’m just a child.  I’ve had six years to learn this stuff.  It puts me at a young age.  So much fear, of the world around me and people, like a child, left of their own, walking around on their own, w no one to protect them.

The danger comes from myself.  Should I be tempted to screw, the whole house of cards w come crashing down, and it w be over for me.  I get so tempted, Ima be honest.

There’s so much other stuff going on in my life.  Sex is a condition for fw people.  There is no way Ima have friends to hang out w, if I’m not f.  I must be alone.  That’s okay.  I like being alone.

I hope I w still have most of my clubs to go to.  W I rly need is social connection, people to talk to.  It exercises that empathy muscle, w I sorely need.  I never got taught empathy when I w growing up.  I feel it w systematically destroyed in me, for the purity of psychopathy.  That w my north star.

That’s why it w so hard to learn to be kind to myself.  I just cared more about psychopathy, it w everything to me.  It w my world; all I k; I couldn’t give it up bc I w be giving up all of me, and there w be nothing left.  Things take time.  I probably have years before I’m there.  I feel tho that it won’t take that long to get past this present challenge.

I w become a child; then I w live as a child for a while, quite a long while, and then I w enter heaven.

To Heaven

K