I walked past a busker, w my fingers in my ears. He thought I w being rude, I feel, and played as loud as he c. Then he lost it and started hitting the wrong notes, I feel.
This made me double down on not judging. I have to not let people think that I’m having something against me, bc it w cause anxiety; and Gk that anxiety lasts for hours.
Yesterday I w so scared of being taken advantage of sexually; at the same time, not being angry at them for it. It w a rl rush.
I’ve got my appointment w my Google Ads girl, today. I have to update my phone so that Ima talk to her. I don’t even want to speak to her, tho it is the only way Ima get technical support. I feel that she wants to talk for ages and talk to me all the time about my Google Ads account. I’m scared that she w harass me.
That’s how it felt last time, like I w being harassed when I didn’t want to talk to them, and taking them ages to remove my number from the system.
In Other News
I found that, fantasising about using my boundaries on people, only gives me anxiety attack. I feel I had saved up attractiveness and people were complimenting me, w w especially good at my age, and had I been.. actually these fantasies were me being nasty to people, telling them what I think of them.
I feel that had I done that I w have used up all the attractiveness that I have and been back to square one. I w be unattractive again; and all my confidence w be gone, and people w not want to help me out anymore, like drivers letting me cross the road. Everyone has been so good to me, and like I say, it w be gone. That w be horrid.
Like I w saying, it has gotten to the point where, I need to just let people upset me. I can’t get angry trying to avoid them anymore. It w cause me to get taken advantage of sexually. It’s no longer an option, for me.
It’s actually the far better option, as anger literally leads to a relapse, as they just do their behaviour more and more until I snap. There is so much riding on this. I have to keep myself okay to some down off the pills, and keep myself in heaven. If I don’t I w literally die.
Coming down off the pills should stop me from feeling all the feeling where I can’t or couldn’t cope w people. It f w my brain and is f me up, in a huge way.
I’m scared w Trump bombing the f out of Putin. I feel it w only lead to full scale nuclear war. I feel this w not be the end of the world, bc of what it says in the Bible, that the earth w be rolled up like a mat. I don’t feel this describes total obliteration, just a pleasant passing away of the Earth.
J says, don’t fear those who can only kill the body and do no more. This gives me comfort when walking around scared of being attacked.
I also saw a video of a, Men In Black, in Grand Central Station. This guy tried to attack him, and literally dropped to the ground and turned into dust. I feel that if someone tried to attack me and wound me, they w just have a heart attack and die on the spot.
I ordered my Nike waterproof trainers, and a pair or legging shorts. I saved for two months and then spent for a month, kinda. It seemed to work rly well for me.
I’m wondering how working w help w the fear I’m feeling. I feel that it w make me feel safer. Also, I need an extra thing to do in the week, and this w give me that, w w actually be super, bc I struggle so hard to find stuff. I lose one day a week, bc of croquet finishing.
Being sociable is no joke. Loneliness leads to serious mental illness. They say that it’s hard to be around people. That’s true. There’s like this fear all the time. Why are us humans so scared of each other all the time. It kinda makes war make sense as we don’t rly trust each other at all. I mean, if we all fear that people are saying rude stuff right to our faces, how can we trust other countries.
It feels to me like all humans are evil; oh wait, they are. This is another feeling that I feel w help coming off the medication as it is f w my brain. They may be evil, tho do I rly need to be scared of them all the time.
Like I say, I just feel that evil means born of the universe and not spiritual, like worldly. People wanna be worldly af, I feel, bc it makes them look good and everyone respects them. It is only keeping them from becoming a spiritual being, I feel; literally the number one thing that holds them back, protecting their fragile reputations.
It’s all fear that drives people to do bad things. I’m quite scared and I want to change that. I mustn’t get angry at people bc I’m scared tho, bc it w lead to more fear, and fear being the evil of the world, that w not be good.
To Not Being Scared
K
Miss K 