Ik that everyone struggles. Ik that it’s part of having empathy, that everyone seems upset a lot. I guess that’s why they say that 2/3 woman have anxiety and 1/3 men. I feel that women’s is so high bc of being physically smaller and fearing attack.
This is something that I w completely unaware of, when I w out of my mind w feeling worthless. All my life I had never experienced that everyone has issues.
Idk whether I made the right choice saying goodbye to Google Ads.
Ik tho, that J’s commandments are working. Ik that my life is getting better. Ik that people just want me round, I feel. Everyone seems to respect me.
I’m starting to feel uncomfortable that I may be too much for some people; like some of the things I say c be triggering. This is hard for me. I’ve heard two people cry and not k whether this is about me.
I’m scared that as I heal, I am becoming a bit much; bc of having high self esteem, and being rly like rambunctious I guess. I don’t want to cause people pain, and like I say, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
Ik how hard it is for me, being triggered all the time. I put myself in their position, and I’m scared. I’m scared that they w just be done w me.
The mind has created such exquisite punishment for feeling triggered. It’s cortisol. It’s such a nasty chemical. It causes people to feel that they don’t wanna live. When in high enough concentrations, it’s extremely dangerous. That’s why people should get help.
Ik how it feels to ring Samaritans twice a week. It hurts so bad.
I’ve heard that no one rings them. I w just rly like to say that they, it, works. It takes away the pain, and I return to normal. I can’t stress this enough, w a good choice it is to call them.
The problem is tho, is that, it requires openness to talk about the exact issue that is causing the pain. I nearly failed at this. Had I not been able to describe the issue, I w not be here today.
Allowing myself to open up, w the thing that allowed me to tell people how I feel.
That’s what I love about Tumblr. Everyone is out of their minds. I still feel out of my mind all the time, like there is something rly badly w w me.
I feel it’s bc my mental age is rly low. I feel I have that clarity of a younger person. I need that youth energy around me. It c also be bc the pills are covering up my ability to feel, and actually causing this exact feeling.
It’s a black box medication, super nasty, and I should be off it as soon as possible.
It’s crazy how I tried to take very little of it last year and had a relapse bc of stress. I had more to deal w than anyone w cope around; and this year I’m coming off it.
Relapses are hard. I feel like I did something w. I feel so much shame for having one. I c well have died. I w not the only player in this drama, tho. Other people were involved.
I have also done a lot of good in my life. All the things I have smashed, have been bc, I have made all the right choices. My psychiatrist speaks well of me, so too does the girl who helps me to tidy up.
I am the only one who makes my choices and they have all been good ones. I deserve a lot of credit.
It’s weird to feel that I am well placed to be in charge of my own life. All of it, I have felt that I c not make my own decisions and needed to be told w to do; like I w demented or something; hopeless w|o being controlled. It’s a huge turnaround and quite shocking. It’s taught me a lot.
Personally, I believe that no one needs to be told w to do. I don’t believe in parents or employers controlling people. I feel that when free, people w grow into a responsible person, and never before then. It actually makes them irresponsible af.
The best thing is when the buck stops w the person themselves. They assert this to them all the time, tho it won’t be till they’re out of the picture that it actually does.
More control means less autonomy. It’s a nosh. The tighter the leash the more they need control, then the leash gets tighter, and again they appear that they need even more control and the nosh continues until they need that control and can’t function w|o it.
That’s basically how narcissistic supply is obtained, the abuser getting off on how badly that person needs to be controlled. It validates their devaluing of them, and gives them one hell of a thrill.
To Awareness Of The Nosh, In All It’s Forms
K
Miss K 