Hey

It’s midnight, and I have my coffee

Idk if I gaslit someone today.  I’m not judging either way.  Ik that it’s super unhealthy, and that it causes emotional pain to people.

One option is to say, I’m pretty sure, not that it definitely didn’t happen.

I’m scared that it w make me unattractive, if I am rude to people.  I literally feel that I can’t do anything that upsets anyone, ever.

There are occasions when I feel this is okay, like when someone is literally so toxic that I have to exclude them from my life.

Ik tho, that Ima only have one North Star, and it has to be J.  I can’t focus on money or any other goal.  It has to be J and only J.

Idc about looks, in me or other people.  It’s nice when someone is attractive, tho Idk.

I guess I used to be a bit of a simp.  I w love to watch attractive YouTubers.  It rly made me feel good to look at them.

I guess being around people has taught me that, it doesn’t matter; Ik that everyone is f up.

That w a huge game changer for me when it came to me feeling shame.  Idk if I w made to feel that I had to be perfect.  I feel that my abuser just w totally lacking empathy and that made her kinda obsessed w perfection.  I feel that empathy regulates people from having to get everything right

A lack of empathy c also explain why I felt that I w evil, for feeling triggered.  Feeling triggered actually comes from empathy.  It is when empathy tells me that w someone did w just totally lacking it.  It’s totally normal to get upset.

Ik that the best way for me to never get upset, is to make sure that I never upset anyone.  I suppose that I see the world through my own lens.  Like if I were going around upsetting people, I w feel that other people behave the same way, and w be feeling it w happening all the time.

For me, like I say, I feel that my attractiveness and the fact that everyone treats me so well, come from that I try my hardest to make sure that I always talk to people in a respectful way; to be exact, a way that doesn’t leave them feeling upset.

For example.  I saw this lady say, no, in a harsh way, to this girl w w selling perfume.  I saw the girl go back to her kiosk, and just kinda slump in her body language and leave offering the product to her customers.  I felt that she just needed a moment to recover from feeling shame

This is why if I gaslit this person, I must make sure that I’m not doing that.  Tho it doesn’t worry me too much as I must not judge whether I did nor not.

Whenever I say something about someone, I always say I feel.  It never changes.  It is the one constant in all of this.  It has been how I write from the beginning.  I don’t feel that w ever change.  I w have to be absolutely sure.

I have never been sure of myself.  I don’t even trust my own memory.  I feel this comes from lifelong abuse, especially that, that happened as I w a newborn.  I feel my memory w broken as it threatened my abuser.  I feel it w part of my schit, the thing that caused me to not know that it w abuse, bc of needed support from my abuser.  To this day, my memory is kinda poor.

I w have to be certain.  I can’t do that.  Ik I w right one time, tho I had to kinda coax the guys to accept it by asking them whether I w right; and I w.  It took a little deliberating when Ik I w right.  That’s how I can’t assert myself on people, when I k for sure.  That c be why I am struggling w this

Maybe it w the time to say, that w w, and it is so hard for me to do that, that I feel I gaslit someone.

It’s hard for me to not be able to assert what I definitely remember, bc it impinges on my boundaries.  It hurts like hell that I feel I have been broken this way.

I feel my abuser broke both my memory and my awareness, bc as a baby, Ik that she w wac.  My awareness I now have back, tho my memory.. I feel that there has been some damage in my brain w the pathways that carry memory.  I honestly feel that she did me that much damage.  Like I say, it hurts.  Brain damage is no joke.

I healed from not being able to recall or understand w people said.  Maybe Ima heal from this, tho Idk how long it w take.  It’s been six years since I left, and it is till hard for me.  I feel shame circuitry has taken the messages of memory and sent them somewhere else, to a dead end.  It hurts so bad.

To Certainty

K