Hey

Brewed the perfect cup of coffee this morning, bc my cup w full right up.  It’s two thirty am

I had a dream, where I w getting high and people were shooting up my place.  What a party.  They said that the lack of housing had put everyone in poverty, in this area.  Thing is tho, that there is a lack of housing everywhere so there must be poverty everywhere.

I had a thought about doing an email series for my landing page.  Idk whether Ima fw Google Ads, Idk if Ima get technical support w|o talking to one of their high pressure sales.  The series, w be on my landing page, so it w not mean email marketing.  I c test, which performed better

I had a look at my landing page, and I rly like it.  I am in the middle of writing an instagram ad.  I have all the text I wanna put in.  Ima not do any work today, bc it is Sunday.  W is a shame bc Ima be bored this morning.

I w watching an ASMR video, and felt totally sane.  I wanted to hit her up, and say that I felt and feel sane, when watching her videos; that I feel bat sh’ crazy most of the time.  Feeling sane to me is like a delicacy.  These are the moments that rly matter to me.

I thought about working in Stamford; and then living in Stamford.

The job application w so easy to fill out, there w none of this psychological questionnaire.

Ik that it w change me as a person.  It w change the class that I am in, and how I feel about myself socially.  It may mean that it is rly easy to get a well paid job.

I won’t be used to it at first, bc of the class that I identify as.  I w feel uncomfortable all the time.  It w pass tho.

I feel that the toxicity of this place is making me anxious all the time, and I w be anxious at work all the time, w w make it harder on my mental illness.

I feel, if I work in Stamford, I w be able to breathe.  I w just feel totally relaxed, like all the time; and I feel that work w be a breeze.  I feel that this town is sick, and that I c have a relapse at work, just bc of how toxic it is here; bc of being stressed all the time.

Ik that part of this is my reality.  I used to judge my neighbours, who probably, to be honest w trample all over my boundaries if I f.  They are just regular people.

I feel like reality is inside of me, and that following J’s commandments w let it out; that I w feel real about this place again, and feel joy walking around.  Possibly both are right.

Like, this town used to feel so dope.  I remember being in the city centre and feeling so much abundance in my vibe.  It w lovely.  It honestly, felt like a utopia.  I have to be open to, this c be the better place.

It’s definitely less friendly and there is more security, bc it is a big town.  C the heroin problem, left everyone scared.

Ik that reality was, is, real.  Ik that it is inside of me.  How can I project the fact I don’t feel anything anymore onto w this town is like.  If I don’t feel it, then I need to work on me.  There is no getting around that.  Tbh, coming off the meds w help me do that.  It covers up feeling real.  It w actually help a lot.  Maybe that is why I focus on this town instead of focussing on w|i.

Maybe it’s too painful to accept that I am numb, that my feelings aren’t working.  That definitely is true.  It’s the exact reason, I blamed my neighbours for the fact that I don’t, didn’t feel anything.  I think I’m still doing it.  Tho the fact remains that these are people I wouldn’t fw.  Like I say, I need my boundaries respected and they won’t be.  I w only get gaslit and manipulated I feel, and that won’t do.

It doesn’t match.  It doesn’t match w w I remember.

Maybe, the fact that I feel bat sh’ crazy all the time, is a symptom, that I am demented; or is it that I feel so gaslit by this town, Idk.  One way or the other, Ima find out.

Another thing is that I feel like people are side eyeing the f out of me as they come past on their bikes.  It feels creepy af, and it causes anxiety attacks all the time.  I hope that reducing my medication c help w this as it causes anxiety.

I get to choose where I live tho.  It is up to me.  I just want to make sure that I have healed before I go moving anywhere; or maybe I c go, and heal there.  Idk.

I w in an abusive situation, I feel, when I w young, and that may be why I felt, that this place w so nice.  W I in a daze, where I felt that everyone w trustworthy.  Had abuse, made me a victim to people w|o even knowing it.

Like I say, my boundaries being respected is the thing that matters to me and that is w w decide this for me.

I’m scared to go tho.  Going and visiting w make me hate this town.  It has happened before.  It caused a relapse, bc I k for fact that there w something w w the people here.  I w feel angry when people, always, did it, and I lost it.  It drove me mad.  Sad to k, that knowing the truth can be so costly.  It’s a time of my life that I don’t wanna relive.

So I w be ignorant.  It’s the safest option.  I w never go there; unless I work there and then choose to live there.  Am I setting myself up for relapse, by making it real again that I feel people here are creepy af.  Idc.

To Options

K