I felt upset this morning. It kinda got me thinking about the whole thing about how I feel people are rude in this town.
Rly w is driving it, is feeling that people are being creepy, when they cycle past me. I felt that this guy, literally creeped past me on his bike; and then he made a comment.
Maybe it’s bc female empathy just looks on in horror, I feel, as someone slows right down on their bike.
A woman feels threatened wherever she is. For a man to do that, I feel is the most negligent thing to a woman.
There is another way to see it. This man embellishing like f, I feel, my attractiveness or energy, is rly the same, as all people who treat me super well; like those who let me cross the road, and all the people at the club, who I feel rly dote on me.
That, to reject this sentiment, from him, is to reject all sentiment that I deserve to be treated well. It’s both feeling it creepy and feeling it respectful at the same time. To be angry at him, is to be angry at all people.
The biggest danger for me, is to judge that he is not someone who w take advantage of me sexually. J warns of this when he says, do not throw your pearls to swine. I have said that judgement is as much about not judging that someone isn’t doing something as judging that they are. Both are as big of a danger.
As long as there are times of judgement, there w be times of feeling worthless; times that I feel people feel the opposite of respecting the f out of me, that they look down on me, maybe even hate me a little.
It shows me that judging this town, and it’s people w always perpetuate those feelings of zero worth.
My goal is to have an energy that makes people want to employ me no matter how fantastic the job. That means, that judgement has to stop bc it stifles that energy.
If I’m honest, I feel that people are beneath me. Is it any wonder that at times, I feel beneath them. Why do I see the world in such black and white.
It makes sense that I w hate the f, out of people, who continually trigger me and upset me, I feel. The problem is is that the judgement in times of feeling hurt, is w perpetuates this cycle of pain and cortisol.
It’s a problem w perception. It’s being so fed up w getting upset, to be mad at the people who do this, and get anxiety bc of their behaviour. I kinda feel that it’s feeling them less than human, that causes the trigger. I feel that it’s feeling this town damn rude, that is causing all this. There is extreme bitterness there.
I’m ngl. I feel that the whole country, finds this town damn rude.
In Other News
I need to learn how to design instagram ads. I need to find a source of knowledge on it; whether it’s YouTube, or a blog or something.
I learned the way of writing Google Ads, to get the highest click through rate. I need this for instagram ads. It’s just a simple formula. It’s kinda frustrating that Idk this.
Ima be honest, Ik nothing about landing pages for instagram, whether they are different from those on Google. Google seems very prim and proper and it’s all about the reputation of the company. I’m feeling that instagram are a whole lot less stuffy.
I feel that getting a job w improve the way I function, running the business. It w the same for cleaning up my flat. It had a huge effect on my self esteem. I’ve learned that the things that people do, that I don’t want to benefit me a lot.
I rly hope this is so for when I get a job. I want it to make me feel super amazing, just like tidying up my flat has. I want it to be something that I love, that just levels me up.
Sometimes it’s hard to accept where my energy comes from; like it comes from the clubs that I do. It came from being told to do something I didn’t want to. It’s hard to accept, bc I don’t feel close to the people I fw; and yet, it is them who make me this amazing person.
It goes back to the theory of death. It’s the people around me who give me my life energy. W|o them w life even let me live; like when people die, is when the world rejects them.
I suppose I have to be, who I want to attract. Maybe I am just not worthy yet.
To Friends
K
Miss K 