Hey

It’s midnight, America w just be coming home from work rn, kinda.

I slept well.  I’ve done most of the tidying up, I need to do, for the girl from my housing association.

I have knit and natter today.  I’m rly starting to feel connected w the people from my groups.  It’s nice.  At first, I thought that they were closed off; on account of not feeling anything.

It w be a shame to lose them.  Maybe it takes this long to feel close to people.  I don’t want it to end.  I don’t want to feel sorely alone again.  I w always have, that I had made that connection tho.

It w hard, coming from a psychopathic background, I feel.  Probably why I felt frustrated so much, Idk.  I guess I had to become less psychopathic.  Idk.

It w always trigger anxiety for me.  I w never be myself, bc I w so stressed out.  My self esteem w so low that I always felt that they must be hating me.  I felt so much shame, it w horrid, and it prevented me from being able to take part in their company, by way of conversation, to feel that comfort.

I got a call from a guy.  I thought it w about a job.  Idk, could have been a scam.  I feel one hundo sure that he w a thief.

I’ve been singing 42 lately.  The hardest part, is finding a song that I like to sing.  I don’t like to sing one for too long encase people k that I’ve been singing the same song.  Before that, it w, In A Past Life.  My singing has gotten better bc I have found my own style.  I have also found that, if I clear my throat, it’s less embarrassing.

It scares me, all this finding jobs online.  Like they c totally be a scam, and meet for an interview and Gk what the hell they c do, yk.  That’s even worse than them, taking my whole savings.  It fills me w terror.  Coyotes are rly, the evil of the planet.

Now my skin is crawling, and it feels horrible.

I’m kinda aware that, when some people feel uncomfortable, they devalue the person making them feel that way.  This is w I feel people are doing when they walk past me in the street, blurting sh out, when they are right next to me, slowing right down to a kerb crawling speed as they come past me, and then possibly even saying something rude, sexually explicit.  All bc they have low self esteem, and struggle to maintain said self esteem when walking past me.

It taught me one thing tho.  Employers are no better than me.  They might devalue me and make like I’m just hired trash, tho Ik who they are, and they are sad, depressed people, who are probably suffering from a complex, of thinking that they are better than other people; sad old posers

It seems such a joke to have to go through all this crap.  Like the whole song and dance for a f job, that Ima do standing on my head, a hell of a lot better than they c.  Grovelling; I feel that’s w they make me do, w all these psychological questionnaires and sh; and then they don’t hire half of them bc they think they are lower life forms, well w the hell are them.  They literally think they are so grandiose that they are rejecting people as a form of acquiring narcissistic supply, cutting off the lifeblood of the business; and I’m supposed to think that people so wac, are better than me, f off.

It w the same w my abuser.  I felt that she w lonely af, bc she w have to, not allow me round bc that w literally how much better than me, she felt she w, like I w total scum or something.  It rly is that f up.  Like they think that their own employees are total vermin or something.

Well J says, whatever measure you use to judge someone, that w be measured to you; so w does that make them.

And people think that getting a job is hard; like, look at w you’re competing against, even the managers.  There isn’t any competition.

I studied for a whole year, only to learn that I didn’t learn sh, and w k sh, even after two years and w just have to learn w I needed to learn, for my research.  All this education, is just a facade.  If the internet w just a little better, I c learn w I needed to learn and do research in a lab.  I hope one day that education completely collapses.

Like, I feel that people get a degree, so that they are guaranteed a job.  That’s not true; and how do you change your career when you get bored.  You’d have to do like another three years, four for me.  I just feel that it’s all bull sh.  All this pretence of the grandiosity of a degree.  It’s just not my path

I just feel that it’s bull sh people, creating a bull sh system; posers.

Oh, I shouldn’t judge.  Ima judge for like an hour a day, and then not judge for the rest of the day.  It works.

The crazy thing is that, people I previously judged, I found that they were kinda justified in their wac behaviour.  I even got behind them a little, before realising that, I w becoming a bigot, and stopped.

To The New Era Of Education

K