Hey

It’s three am, I have my coffee.

I am struggling w applying for jobs.  I feel I need to take a break.  It just hurts so much, that they use these assessments to exclude me.

I need to look at the ad I created.  I w need to put on a link, and then set how much I wanna spend.

This guy had a go at me, I feel.  I just ignored him.

I w thinking about the commandments, do not throw your pearls to swine; and I don’t rly get this one.  Do I have the right to ignore people who are being nasty.

I w brought up w abuse, so maybe I can’t spot it, and respect people w ASBD, more than I should.  Idk.

I might have to do voluntary, if I can’t get into something paid.  Obs, I w like the money.

I w upset yesterday morning.  I feel that being rejected all the time, bc of the assessments, had gotten to me.  It just feels so evil, for them to even exist in the first place.  It felt like the world w so evil and I didn’t want to be here.

I suppose that persecutions come nowadays in many forms, and that it’s just handling when people do evil stuff, and just moving on.

Life is so hard.  Is it any wonder that it breaks people; and on top of that, you have evil people who abuse people w empathy for narcissistic supply.  They lock them in relationships that they can’t get out of, just to torture them, bc they get off on it.

Why is life so hard.  We are human beings.  Surely we are better than the animals.  The problem is that we are evil, just like they are.  We both came from the birth of the universe, and evolved.  We are flawed af.  Just look at this f up world, and it’s plain to see.  👏 we, 👏 are, 👏 evil.

Maybe I feel that I am evil, bc of the abuse I’ve been through.  It’s acquiring empathy all of a sudden, and struggling w feeling upset at people all the time.  Struggling w feeling that everyone is just trying to bury me, being upset at peoples’ behaviour, several times a day.

Struggling soley bc I feel that people just won’t leave me the f alone, bc I have self esteem, side eyeing the f out of me all the time.  It triggers me.  I feel it made my life so hard that I had a relapse.

I feel that everyone is struggling w sh they find hard to deal w.  I w unaware before, of how hard life is, on all of us.

It’s comforting as well, that if I struggle, then that makes me human.  I just have to be a big girl, and just put up w it, and carry on.  Whatever happens, I just have to ignore it, and hope for the best.

J says, jump for joy, when people say all kinds of evil on account of me, for great is your reward in heaven.

Nowadays, I just feel that it is more what people do, that is cruel, and not what they say; in this town anyway.

I even feel that in other towns, they don’t use these assessments, bc I went for a job in Stamford, and there wasn’t one.

I feel that in other towns, it actually is what people say that is persecution, like people back stabbing.  Here, I just feel that they are extremely f toxic, and that’s how they abuse the righteous, by just being so offensive.

In the Gospel Of Thomas, it says that I w be astounded.  I feel that is bc people just respect the f out of me.  It says, first you w be agitated, then you w be astounded, then you will be King of the all.

I have been agitated for like six years now.  I am starting to be astounded tho.

I found I w being side eye’d by everyone who drove past me, when I w walking into Ferry Meadows, I felt.  It feels like the people in this town are sick.  Had I not gone to London, a few times, I wouldn’t even feel, that there is anything w w it

It feels like I’ll end up on TV bc they are so sick, they want to watch me all the time.  I don’t want people to watch me more and more, the more my self esteem grows.  I want them to leave me alone.  I just want them to f off.

It feels like I’m heading towards being famous, and I don’t want that.  I want them to stop side eyeing me, not fixate on me even more and chase me down the street.

That’s what I’m scared of, people fixating and obsessing over me.  It already feels creepy enough.

To Being Left Alone

K