Hey

It’s two forty am, I have my coffee.

I lost my blog entry yesterday.

I rly feel for people nowadays; I feel for myself.

I w upset, bc of feeling sexually threatened, when walking through an underpass.  I’ve gotta walk that way all the time.  Also these assessments..  I feel they are insipidly, ebbing away at my self esteem, something w I value extremely highly.

I aim to just, either carry on, taking a beating, or go to an agency instead.

I feel it’s kinda like, in Rocky.  He says, it’s not how hard you can hit.  It’s how hard you can get hit, and still keep getting up.

Ik that all Ima do, is carry on, trying to make my life work.  Yes, it’s been torturing me emotionally, it has.

I have an Insta Ad, that being created.  It has taken almost 24 hours, and it’s still not done.  I’m having to leave the page open, all this time.  I’ll have to use my other browser to load this post in.

I never struggled w feeling that the world w super evil, when I w young.  I w in an abusive situation, I feel, and I feel I w one of the entitled ones.  Both blinded me to this.

I feel that is why J says, woe to those who are spoken well of.  They dek the suffering that comes from feeling such evil around them.  It hurts like f, and makes it hard to carry on, I feel, for some people, even me, kinda.

I thought about judgement; and maybe the cause of not judging, is bc you’re probably right, and it w overwhelm you to just let that in, and be paralysed by the evil of it.

It always starts a nosh.  Every time I dwell, or have dwelt on judgement, it has started a nosh, w people doing the exact thing that Ima judge them for.

Noshes are serious business, and can cause me to have relapse, so I have to be very serious about not judging.

If I were to judge about people being creepy, sexually, it w start a nosh, and I’m not even allowed to say on my blog, how it w end up; worst case scenario rly.  Ima never get over the evil of that, people being attracted to the fear of that, and seeing it as an invite, just fills me w horror, and kinda makes me hate the human race.

We do horrid things to each other, like wars.  👏 we, 👏 are, 👏 evil.  Not to mention, feeding off animals.

I have calmed down somewhat, after feeling so devalued after taking these assessments.  I have one to complete in the next week.  I feel that when I do it, my self esteem w suffer, and that’s hard for me.

It makes me scared that work w devalue me the same, and that my self esteem w suffer so much that I become dissociated, and can’t run the business.  I need to be in flow.  I need to be at the peak of my self esteem, to be able to create successful ad and landing page campaigns.  Ima not think about it.

I rly think there is merit to not thinking at all.  There is so much in life to be scared of.  If I thought about how hard it is for me to just get out my door, I probably wouldn’t, fearing sexual manipulation.  It just feels like everyone’s the biggest merv.

Like, I w walking down the road, and I c feel every single car, it felt like, just mervishly side eyeing me.  It just left me aghast.  I couldn’t believe how basic I felt they all were, like they were all sick.

I just put it down to them being adults.  I guess adults, are generally mervish.  This is actually good news.  It means that the number of Neurones in my brain is growing, and I’m moving into a kid reality.

I try to see this fear of sexual manipulation as, actually, a step towards, feeling sexually safe; like when a kid, and just not even ever thinking that that c happen.  It wasn’t even on my radar.

All these fears are a stepping stone, into that reality; like the fear of these assessments.  I suppose it only leads to me smashing them, Idk; or again, leads to kid reality.. where finding work is ludicrously easy, bc of just being so sure that Ima cope w it.

Yk, years ago, this forty something y|o, w on the news saying that he w fired and w never get another job now.  It’s that kinda negativity, that makes adults wholly unable to get a whole new career, like conversely, kids, kinda be just walking into apprenticeships and stuff and being totally fine.  That’s the reality I want, where anyone w be glad to have me

Like I have said, sometime, it took me six years to get to where I am rn, w following J’s commandments.  Maybe it’s the fear, that, I’m not there yet, and that I w have to do like the most basic job for quite a while, before I have healed to the point, where Ima just walk into anything.

I feel like I’ve built up my self esteem like f’ery; and now I’m just hitting a wall.  Idk if that’s true.  At the back of my mind, I feel that I c walk into so many jobs.  I still feel super confident.

I suppose it c go either way.  It c start a nosh, if I get angry about it; or it c be that I do actually walk into the most amazing job, if I’m able to not judge them over it, and just take the beating and carry on.

Lets be honest, walking to town every day, fills me w fear and anger, so why should applying for work be any different.  I just need to handle feeling this upset, and just keep taking it, and carry on.  I suppose it’s just a new thing to be upset about

Things that people do, that are triggering tend to shift.  There’s never this point, where there are no more triggers.  They are always shifting and changing and old ones go and new ones replace them.  I suppose that I just have to be cool w it.  I hope one day that Ima deal w anything, we’ll see.

To Challenges

K