Hey

I feel a little triggered rn.  I’m down Ferry Meadows

My Instagram Ad, is still waiting for approval, Idk.

I remember, telling myself this morning, that I wasn’t gonna judge anyone; w I didn’t.  I’m still trying to not judge.  There w this little girl, being told off by her parents.  I had to not think w w right.

I think when I’m triggered, I’m more judgemental.  Obs, I can’t help this.

I have the assessment to complete.  I’m not decided, whether doing it when triggered, is a good idea.

I want this job, more than anything, I also want more money.  It means a lot to me.  I want to make sure that I am giving it my best.

I feel my power growing.  I noticed this guy looking at me this morning.  I blocked him out, by walking like a model.

I’ve cut down on caffeine, bc I feel that it w causing me a lot of emotional pain.  I even believe that caffeine is causing schizophrenia in people, by making them feel that they just can’t go on.

I have to get on w my life, I choose to put it behind me, and just do the things that are on my list.

I’m thinking about worry itself.  I think it’s connected to fear, and emotional pain.  I definitely don’t worry about things I w have spent time worrying about, in the past.

I feel it’s just, literally, that I have tuned worry out so much that my mind, kinda, rly doesn’t k how to worry w such vigour anymore.

Ik that following J’s commandments, has reduced my ability to judge and worry; w I am well grateful for.  I much prefer, being free of these things.  It has reduced my anxiety no end.

I’m starting to notice people, who treat me well, when I am triggered, w is super nice; a rly good time to hear something like that.  Just strangers who give a good word.

I remember this post on Tumblr, like, it said that to be kind to people, bc ydk like, what their story is and ydk what they are struggling w.  This is slightly different.  I just feel that they want to be nice.

This is new to me.  I feel that I come from an environment where I never experienced this.  It is somehow the way I have grown, that has led to people being like this.

Could the mind, be out of our control.  C it be developing in ways that are harmful to the thinker.  C J’s commandments be reducing this growth of Neural real estate for toxic thoughts and fears and even behaviours.  I feel that it does, that they do.

I remember when I w young.  I felt that I judged no one.  I’m definitely moving back, toward that state of mind.  As my fears subside, I feel more peace.

I still get scared.  I just try to concentrate on the things that I need to get done, and just as long as I’m doing those, I’m moving forward.

I’m evolving, I’m ngl.  It’s hard to define where I’m @ rn.  I just feel that I’m coping better.  My schizoaffective disorder has gone, leaving me just more at peace, yk.

I have the option of having a life.  I’m taking it.  I feel that it w be healthy for me, the ultimate in self care.  Cleaning my flat has taught me, that, my environment is key to how I feel inside.

That’s another post on Tumblr when, it says, there’s like a plant, and you don’t do anything to the plant that is sick, you focus on changing its environment.  That rly hit me.

I think it’s gonna make a huge difference to me, in the context of like my flat did.  W is good.  Things don’t often change that fast.  I feel I need to look at this, in that light.

I guess there is fear there, around all this.  Ik w my flat, there w nothing to worry about.  I said to myself just today, that I w try and get through each day, and I w not worry about things that are not happening today, like fears I may have.

I have only so much mental real estate.  I want to devote all my bandwidth to just moving forward, and just functioning in the moment, rly.  I have to be honest that I w be stronger if I forget about certain things.

To Growth

K