Hey

I managed, to throw out, like ten two twenty, of like, dehumanising, worryfull, kinda psychopathic thoughts, in a row.

It w such a run, that it gave me space to breathe and just feel less anxious.

I feel that my brain map, for these dysfunctional thoughts, is like shrinking, due to me, following J’s commandments.

I have grown much better at dealing w them.  I feel it rly comes from understanding w bull sh they are, and not rly paying them too much mind.

I had a glimpse, of the type of person I w be, if I didn’t have a problem w them; and I like w I saw, a lot.

I’m currently, having a beer, down Ferry Meadows.

It rly makes me feel that it is possible to reverse aging.  Like, this is such a huge step.  What if there w simply no cortisol in my body for a length of time; could that do it.

What if aging is just, taking one step forward, and one and a half back.  There w be the point, where, the person is reaching an equilibrium, and aging w stop.

Tbh, I’ve gotta be straight w you, I feel it’s moving backwards.  I look in the mirror, and I’m no longer haggard af.  In fact, I saw someone gorgeous today.

Being gorgeous used to be my goal; now it’s to just follow these commandments and feel total more peace.  I thought that beauty w get me in the door of some pretty sweet jobs.

Should I follow these commandments, and become truly at peace, then I w deserve a rly good job, bc of just being able to function rly well; and there w be something about me.

Earlier, I thought about when J says how the whitewashed tombs, looking rl spanking, and how theya re filled w the dead and all things unclean; like the insides of the people he w talking to, the descendants of those who killed the prophets.

I guess the felt pride in themselves, they thought themselves above other people, and didn’t like prophets who c see past that.  I suppose they felt offended at that.

Ik that, by, following J’s commandments, I am actually cleaning myself inside.  I kinda understand now, how the young are into validating w people say.

These psychopathic thoughts are rly all in contradiction of what is said by people.  It has freed me a little, to understand that.  It’s also allowed me to listen better, not calculating the value of words as I’m hearing them.

I love J’s commandments.

I also feel that my schizophrenia, w born of this psychopathy, that it w that, that caused it.

Cleaning myself on the inside, is my only focus now.  It is all I want out of life, having tasted it for what feels like the first time.

I never lived a single day in my life, w|o this psychopathy, for lack of a better word.

When I started going to groups, this psychopathy w give me panic attacks.  I w feel so unworthy, for having thought such things about people.  The whole time I have been going, it has been diminishing.

I am rly motivated to work on this and see it vanish further.  Idk what normal life is like, tho Ima find out.

I honestly feel that this is linked to the anti aging process, and that I w see real results, as I get a handle on this.

To Elevating Out Of Dysfuntion

K