Hey

It’s one am, I have my coffee.

I have learned that Ima practice situational assessments.  This is good news, bc it w allow me to pass them and get a job.

I have to find a website that allows me to do this.  The one I found, I felt w asking me something unreasonable, in the terms and conditions.

Idk whether I got one hundo percent.  It said so, tho could have meant the amount I had completed.

It’s almost like in war.  They make sure that none of their tanks are taken, bc they can be back engineered.  It’s the same w tests.  People are not allowed to see the answers, and learn them.

I’m not doing this today, bc it’s the sabbath.

There is no Pétanque after Thur, for two weeks.  This w be hard for me, unless I find something else to do.

I thought about going to agencies and getting in there, for the Christmas period.

Yesterday w a game changer.  I learned that, I am starting to cope w the dehumanising, invalidating thoughts in my mind, when people are speaking.  It w allow me to listen better, and feel closer to my friends.  I w also prevent me from having anxiety attacks, bc it is around emotional instability that my mind does it.

It feels like a huge step forward.  I k that I w have to rly work on it tho.

So, it’s taken like not quite a year, to get to this point, so I’m looking at how long until I have advanced further so that, I have these mental interruptions less often.

It should also help w general focus, thoughts entering my head when I am listening, thoughts that seem so important that I figure out and pay attention to, that are just mental rubbish.

Like, I w wonder something, and then panic, if I didn’t figure out the thing that I had thought of; so unhealthy.

With the test that I completed, I just looked over the situation over and over and over, and the questions, and absolutely agonised about getting it right.  I hope I did well.

It felt of the energy I had when I w a kid.  I w smash like tests and stuff, and application processes.  It used to be that I c just get in the door, just based on my neat handwriting.

In the old days, we used to have to provide written applications, w a letter; and there wasn’t even such a thing as a CV.

The letter w very similar to the tests, in an abstract way.  It w something that c be learned and copied.  When mastered it c be used for every application, probably to great effect.  This w the thing I feel, felt, that would sway employers greatly.

I feel so excited to be learning this stuff.  It so reminds me of when I w a kid, and learning the application process, filled w confidence of landing a great job.  A little step on the ladder.

Ik that J’s commandments are the only thing that I need, to have the energy of such enthusiasm for entering the world of work, and hope and faith; and rly looking forward to it.

I feel that only Ik, how they just totally overhaul my self, so that I am able to function so much better.  What they have already done for me, tells me that they w do so much more.

I remembered when I w twelve, probably the best time of my life.  I have been remembering so much of when I w a kid, like memories that were totally blocked, until even super recently.

I w able to remember what it felt like to be young, even tho I c not feel it is present reality.  C be bc the medication is acting on the part of my brain that feels those feelings in the moment.  That’s why memories felt so good, they were better than reality.  I am on track for coming off it, w w be just the best ever.

Ngl, the application process has been uber upsetting.  Finding this way of learning the kinds of answers to the questions w be a game changer.  I felt devalued af, every time I w rejected.  It felt like these tests were designed for the employer, to just garner narcissistic supply off of the applicants.  I wonder if the educated feel they have more value than those that are not, and it’s a cultural thing.

I kinda feel that people worship education, and that’s why people kinda get obsessed w better career and no life outside of work.  I feel it’s so sad.  The way people are like this, just fills me w horror.  They are suffering so bad and dek it.

Like the one thing that is supposed to make life better is doing well in a job, and I felt it led to being enslaved w crazy hours and no life whatsoever, like actual hell.  I suppose if I never followed J’s commandments there w always be the risk of falling into that.  They make life so much better.  I feel they literally bestow on me, self respect.

I suppose that this being such a deprived town, it may be the culture here that is heavily down w employers taking advantage of staff, Idk, and it coloured my opinion of the experience of work.

To Confidence

K